Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Nurse the Hate: All Fans Are Not Created Equal

I watch a lot of baseball on TV. So what? It's not like I'm going to relax at night by betting on Dancing with the Stars (although I could if I wanted to, but that's not the point). Here I am watching the Indians (at +135) vs the Red Sox when I notice the people in the field suite. You know the one I am talking about? It's the super special field box that is right behind the plate, and is in about 85% of the telecast.

The issue tonight is that the Rubes sitting in there have gone beyond the normal "talking on cell phones and waving" distraction. For the past three innings they have held up different hand made signs saying "Hi Mary" and "Hi John" while talking and waving in a very animated fashion on their cell phone. What the fuck is there to talk about? They are in the entire left side of the screen. It's not like you can miss them. "OK! OK! Do you see me? I'm waving! Yes! I have a white hat on! Yes! That's me! Hi! Hi! H! Do you see me? You do? Isn't this great?". Now, instead of relaxing and watching the game, I am now trying to figure out how to flamethrower that field box like a German pillbox on Normandy Beach. All because of three or four Rubes... Every pitch to the plate, you can see them. Every pitch.

Why do they have to contact their friends at all? It's not like they don't know what each other looks like, right? "Holy Shit! I just saw Jane on TV at the game. She looks nothing like she does here at the office. It's incredible!" Is telling someone you went to a major league baseball game so unbelievable that the only way to corroborate the story is to have visual proof on a live broadcast? "Yes, I know we saw Jim at the game on the TV, but they're doing all kinds of things with special effects nowadays. I refuse to believe that he actually attended that Indians v Red Sox game in late April. It's just too tall of a tale for a man to believe."

Look, if you are going to sit in those seats, you have to act like you have been there before. What makes sitting there great is the casual indifference you have while watching the game. "Yes. I am sitting practically on the catcher. If I wanted to, I could take a few cuts next inning. I am also slightly bored because this is a regular thing with me. You will never know this experience because you are too insignificant to even imagine how wonderful this seating truly is. By the way, is the dessert cart here yet? ".

Act like you have been there before. If you ever had the chance to have sex with, let's say, Jessica Alba, it's probably not a good idea to yell out "OMIGOD! I can't believe I am fucking Jessica Alba!" while you are fucking Jessica Alba. Play it cool. You want Jessica Alba to think, "I don't know if I am pleasing Greg. Perhaps I should perform a sexual act that doesn't even have a name yet." Now, you've got something. You think Jessica Alba wants you waving and filming it on your cell phone saying, "It's almost in there. Yep...Yep...I've got it in there. Can you guys see this?". (Well, maybe she does. I don't know Ms. Alba personally, so I am making an educated guess.)

The problem all stems from the belief in the magic of television. The general population believes that if they can somehow get on TV, their lives will be magically transformed into something amazing. That is the only explanation for those crowds of overfed Midwestern housewives waiting in the cold of New York to try and appear on the background of a Today Show weather segment. For God's sake, you are in one of the most incredible cities on the planet, and you are going to spend a half day trying to get on camera for 3.7 seconds.

"How was New York Doris?"

"Oh! It was great! We got up at 4:00 in the morning to go stand in the 24 degree morning air so we could get our handmade sign saying 'Ridgeville Band Rules!' on the Today Show and wave excitedly into the camera! After that, it was lunch at TGI Fridays in Times Square, and over to the M&M World gift shop! What a city!"

Why all the effort to get on TV? It's just 4 seconds on one of 600 channels are churning out "content". It's no big deal. Relax. Enjoy what you are actually doing. OK...I am going to try to ignore the Rubes and their God Damn signs. Fuck... Now one of them is holding one up that says "James Rocks". That is the straw that has broken the camel's back. Unless that guy is close personal friends with James Hetfield, I am going to have to drive downtown and "take care of" this situation. I gotta go.


At May 1, 2009 at 11:08:00 AM EDT , Blogger ScottyJ said...

Very good, sir!! there's quite a few things I see that I'd like to "take care of" myself.

At May 8, 2009 at 2:09:00 PM EDT , Blogger nofocus said...

Try being the cameraman. I couldn't tell you how many times I've wanted to reach through the lens to strangle these idiots. I make every effort to keep these people out of frame when I can, it can be quite amusing itself sometimes to watch them struggle to get on TV. If I ever win the lottery, I'm buying seats next to people like this and repeatedly knocking them upside the head everytime they wave. C'mon lotto!


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