Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Nurse the Hate: Commodore Perry




I don't have much time...Currently I am up to my eyeballs on Cleveland State +6.5 v Butler. Two years ago these guys were gutless turds. Now they play D out the ass, and stay within spreads. As I write this I am watching ESPN in a viking helmet crazed on a Commodore Perry bender. Cleveland St is tied with 7 minutes left. Gut check time... Hey, what's with everyone using the word "surreal" all the time now? For example, when that guy got plucked from the ocean last week, people from his old school called it "surreal". No, it was "unusual" or "surprising". If it had been surreal, there would have been paisely Giant Squid flying around the boat wreck while a face emerged out of the sun reading "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock". Clocks would have melted, and Jesus would have floated by in a hot air balloon. That's "surreal" you uneducated fucking asshole. Not coming to grips with the fact that something unusual happened is not "surreal". Start looking for it. Every dumbass in the world gets on TV and uses this word incorrectly...This World Baseball Classic is pretty great. The games are all life or death. That bloated Dominican roster got sent home by The Dutch. The Dutch! Try wearing your gold chains home to people in their horrible little huts and explaining that Big Papi! The Miller Brothers are heavily invested in Korea at 15-1. If we win, we're donating the money to charity...or maybe buying a mink rocket car. We're not sure yet...If this economy doesn't improve I am going to stop my media/small time rock star career and become a paid assassin. I bet that pays pretty well. If you see me show up at your house with a rifle, do me a favor and don't run. It's probably my first job, and I would appreciate it if you go "full sheep"...The bassett hound is the world's finest dog...I once lied on a resume and said I caught "the world's largest fish". The amazing part is that the guy never even asked me about it...Muddy Waters gets the press, but if I could bring one Bluesman back to life for a show, I take Slim Harpo...Why are those coffee servers at Starbucks so fucking smug? It's like working at McDonald's with a lot more Natalie Cole on the in house sound system. I don't need the fucking attitude. Just give me my overpriced beverage please...Anyone who doesn't think The Sadies are one of the best bands on the planet doesn't know what the fuck they are talking about.

5 Comments:

At March 11, 2009 at 2:06:00 PM EDT , Blogger Catherine said...

Even though I suspect micro brew played a part, your last entry is spot on. The overuse of the word "surreal" on TV and otherwise makes me consider jamming hot iron rods into my ears. How about "holy fuckballs" instead? That is exactly what the footballer’s friends thought when they heard the news. "Holy fuckballs, they found 'em." I happened to be in Tampa sunning myself just a few blocks from the hospital the day the Coast Guard flew him in. I caught the news on my Blackberry as the helicopters swarmed nearby. The thought that ran through my head? "Holy fuckballs, that's one of the footballers in the helicopter." Another word I might turn to the iron rod for is "amazing." For example, "He's an amazing dance partner" or "Our date was amazing" or "It is just amazing ABC gave our family an extreme makeover." Have these people never used a thesaurus?

With our current economic crisis, I too have thought of following a life of crime to pay the bills. There is always hooking, but that seems too obvious. I like the paid assassin idea. Hadn't thought of that. I might like to apply for a position as your sidekick despite the fact I've never fired a gun. But I can assure you I have skills. I also think I would look good in a patent leather bustier, which I gather all lady assassins (or is it assassinesses) don before offing their target. At the very least I know how to use a thesaurus...Think about it.

 
At March 13, 2009 at 5:18:00 PM EDT , Blogger Frank Elia said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At March 13, 2009 at 5:25:00 PM EDT , Blogger Field Marshal Rommel said...

The Sadies are indeed amazing! I saw them at Schuba's in Chicago a few years back and the show was simply surreal...

 
At March 14, 2009 at 9:53:00 PM EDT , Blogger Greg Miller said...

Many say that show was amazing...

 
At March 25, 2009 at 9:32:00 PM EDT , Blogger The Suckmeister said...

Why does this submission sound like it was written by Larry King?

 

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