Sunday, February 1, 2009

Nurse the Hate: Hate The Super Bowl Party

After an impressive 6-2 run in college hoops yesterday, it is now time to get down to the business of The Big One. The Super Bowl is a game that even Kathy from accounting likes to have a little action on. In fact, she (and you) may be headed to a grim little Super Bowl fiesta like the one pictured above. At this gathering you will witness all kinds of poorly considered opinions become conventional thinking. Casual football fans will lean against the nacho bowl/cold veggie platter and confidently talk about the suddenly unstoppable Arizona offense. As they snap into a baby carrot, they will sound very convincing when they say "I like Arizona's chances, but Pittsburgh is pretty tough.". Don't listen to this guy. He is there to confuse you. I want to help you cut through the clutter of the never ending pre-game hype and give you everything you need to know about the game today.

The Pittsburgh Steelers are going to tear the scrotums off of the Arizona Cardinals.

Arizona is a 9-7 football team that beat the Atlanta Falcons, Carolina Panthers (with the help of 6 Jake Delomme turnovers), and the 9-6-1 Philadelphia Eagles. They lost games 48-20, 35-14, and 47-7 to Playoff teams in the last month of the season. Meanwhile the Pittsburgh Steelers beat everybody in the toughest schedule in the NFL. The key is not even that they won, but how they won. The Steelers beat the crap out of teams. They have guys on both sides of the line that hit hard from the first play until the last play. Does the offensive line look suspect? Yes. Is their offense lackluster? Yes. Does it matter? No.

The Steelers hit you, hit you, and hit you. They hang around in games 17-13, 13-6, 10-7. Suddenly, at the end of the game, the opposing team has to gamble to try and get a score. They will then turn the ball over in some horribly designed play where one of their guys ends up on a stretcher, and Troy Palamalu is dancing around in the end zone with the ball in his hands. 24-13. Ball game and cover.

The Public knows nothing. It is proven again and again. Things "The Public" likes: American Idol, Paul Blair: Mall Cop, giant sport utility vehicles, and foot long subs from Subway. Things I like: Bob Dylan, Cormac McCarthy, the BMW 6 series, and The French Laundry. I ask you, who do you trust with sound judgement on this game? Listen, I was on the 4-17 University of Toledo Rockets at +14.5 yesterday and had a winner. You think I'm going to mess this up?

Don't be one of those a-holes that gets talked into taking Arizona with the points. That's all I hear about every time I listen to any handicapping honk talk about this game. The dreaded Public Opinion has become: "Pittsburgh will win this game, but Arizona is going to keep it close." No, they're not. They will be soundly defeated on both sides of the ball today. Let me take you to 10:00pm tonight. There will be screen shots of Kurt Warner staring forlornly at the field while the clock ticks down, dejected Cardinal fans in ugly get ups, and Edgerrin James looking surprisingly uninvolved. This isn't last year. The Giants winning in an upset last year has nothing to do with the underdog winning this year. Don't get suckered in. The better team will win and cover 6.5. Take the chalk.

Random Note: I went to a Super Bowl party once where the hostess changed the channel from the game on the big screen to watch "Sex and the City". I was exiled to a small room off the kitchen with a 24 inch screen with five other guys sitting on wooden desk chairs. It was a huge mistake to go to a Super Bowl party hosted by a single woman. Never again. I have vowed never to leave my Bunker for a Super Bowl game again. I will not risk missing my prop bet on number of carries by Willie Parker due to Puppy Bowl 5.


At February 1, 2009 at 1:38:00 PM EST , Blogger meg4fancast said...

haha ok well your host/hostess no longer has to change the channel. Tell them to check out for the Soaper Bowl! Everybody wins! Soaper Bowl on Fancast


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