Nurse the Hate: Hate Dad's Birthday Party

The story was so horrible, it took a minute to register. Could it actually be true? If so, it raised more questions than I could even begin to answer. But I get ahead of myself... Before I even begin to tell this tale, I must admit I have had second thoughts about passing it along. It is the kind of story that even the most hardened friends of mine have been rendered silent by as they contemplated the sheer horror of it. It's like when you get an email attachment from a friend called something innocent like "Dad's Birthday Party", and you open it to discover a photo of an absurdly obese woman shitting on a nude skinny man with a pencil mustache. There might even be a midget wearing a leg brace in the background. Your mind registers it all surprisingly quickly. You may close the photo quickly. Delete it. But yet, the image stays embedded on your mind forever.


It was a few days ago when a friend told me the story. Her roommate works at a local hospital as a nurse. A woman came to the hospital complaining of abdominal pain. She had a colostomy bag due to an earlier procedure, so the doctors were concerned about an infection. After a battery of tests, the conclusion was reached that she had contracted gonorrhea and this had led to her discomfort. When the doctor delivered the news, the woman said she understood how it may have happened, and freely offered up an explanation to the startled doctor and nurse. It turned out that her husband had been having sex with the hole in her abdominal wall where the colostomy bag attached. The woman said, "I'll bet that's how I got it."

I'll just let that sink in for a second.

Now beyond the primary question of exactly what kind of people are engaged in this rather unusual and extreme sex act, a few more questions come to mind.

1) If a woman catches a venereal disease from her husband, but that same man is not only willing but enthusiastic about having sex with her colostomy bag hole, you would think she might have to cut him a wide berth. Let's face it, the market for women with colostomy bags can't be thriving. She might have to offer a little give and take on this matter. Or does she respond with even more indignation by threatening her weakened immune system with the potential of disease by his indiscretions? How does that play out?

2) How did that first sexual contact with the hole happen? For example, did it start with some conversation about how she should not be ashamed about it, and that it didn't matter to him? "You're still the woman I married and I love you." Then what? Next thing you know his wiener is in there? I mean, how does that jump get made? And how did it keep happening? You would think there would have been a conversation the next morning after the first incident. "Hey, things got a little out of hand last night..."

3) What do these people look like? The mental image I have of the woman is a little unclear. However, the image in my mind of the guy is crystal clear. He's white. He's overweight in that chicken wings and draft beer way we get in Northeast Ohio. Not a huge man, but definitely soft in the gut and pulling his pants up after walking across the room. I also see a mustache circa 1985. I'm thinking a poorly groomed Tom "Magnum P.I." Selleck mustache. He's wearing a stained Cleveland Browns sweatshirt that is stretched out from too much wear. His pants are blue work pants with faded thighs from ground in dirt and grease. Brown work boots with some construction material spackled on them. Hair unkempt and probably unwashed. This leads to the next question...

4) How did that guy sleep with someone else to get the gonorrhea in the first place? He's no looker. He probably didn't go to the trendy section of town and go "clubbing". I see it as he hooked up with one of the regulars at the local bar he always goes to. Maybe the woman that drinks in a slightly crumpled position down at the dim corner by the cigarette machine. Normally he regarded her with suspicion as she never really talked to anyone. She typically came in alone before he got there. Drank by herself, and usually left long after he had slid home in his battered Buick. But that night was different. They probably struck up a conversation while grabbing a smoke outside in the cold, their breath and exhaled smoke mixing in a white cloud under the fluorescent light by the front door. Next thing you know he's back at her place, fumbling around on the couch trying not to knock over the overflowing ashtrays on the metal TV tray.

5) So does he then tell the woman from the bar he contracted gonorrhea from her, or does he just keep quiet about the whole thing? See, I see it playing out with him playing the victim card and telling the entire bar one night after too many 24 oz draft beer specials. I see him standing by the bar with his loud drunk voice laying it all out for anyone that will listen. "She gave me the fucking clap and almost killed my wife! You know she's got that bag... She gets sick really easy. She should have fucking told me! What the fuck! You should 86 her from the place Mike! What? She don't cause no trouble? What do you call this? Huh?"

There's a lot to ponder on this entire situation. You probably have many questions of your own. Sure, I know this story sounds like Urban Legend. But this is no "friend of mine that knows this guy who's Mom works with someone that told them this story". I wouldn't believe it if I didn't know the source. I just thought I should tell you. Consider this your own personal "Dad's Birthday Party". Sorry.