Thursday, December 1, 2011

Nurse the Hate: Hate Santa Claus

As the Christmas specials wash over prime time viewing like a nostalgic wave, I have come to an inevitable conclusion. Santa Claus is a dick. Now before you rush to his defense, can I offer the following evidence?

In “Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer”, Santa is a hard ass Bear Bryant of a guy evaluating the incoming crop of reindeer prospects. Despite Rudolf’s superior performance at the trials, he bails on him the second he notices Rudolf’s red nose. He even busts his father’s balls. Rudolf is excommunicated and sent out into the Arctic. He isn't sent to boarding school. He is sent out to the roughest elements on the planet. "See you later Rudolf. Ha! Ha! Ha!" The door slams and Santa forgets all about this young deer. He never gives him a second thought. Rudolf is literally gone for years. Then, when things are at their bleakest, he slithers back to Rudolf for some help. No apology. It’s just, “Rudolf with your nose so bright, etc etc etc”. Who the fuck else were they gonna get in that storm? Rudolf sacks up, leads the team, while Santa gets the glory with all of his “Ho Ho Ho” bullshit. Afterwards Rudolf gets shoved into a barn while Santa knocks back some cognac next to a roaring fire. Thanks for the ride Rudolf. Now fuck you, and back into your stall.

What about “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”? Kris Kringle is an orphaned kid raised by elves. He splits when he becomes a strapping lad, immediately hooks up with the hottest chick in Sombertown, Miss Jessica. The going gets tough when the Burgermeister, a cross between Idi Amin and an alcoholic Danny Devito, trips on a toy and runs Santa out of town. Miss Jessica has to chase Kringle all over the planet before finding him in the woods with the “Winter Warlock”, clearly a Canadian based coke dealer. Kringle grows a beard, changes his name to Santa, drags Miss Jessica up to the North Pole after he dupes her into marriage, and then puts on 125 pounds/grows a beard. “Hey baby… Scratch my back fat, will ya?” Meanwhile Jessica, now Mrs. Claus, is stuck in the arctic with a bunch of Elves for company while Santa gallivants around the globe on his “magic sleigh”. You ever hang out with a bunch of Elves? They are total assholes. Remember those dicky Elves that ran the toy shop in Rudolf?

Finally in “The Year Without a Santa Claus”, Santa comes down with a cold, hears some second hand shit about his approval rating going down. Does he rally, and put in 100% effort to get back on top? Nope. He pulls the plug like a Prima Donna. “Christmas is cancelled.” Who the fuck does he think he is? He pulls some Axl Rose bullshit because he’s just not feeling it? Hey man, we are celebrating the birth of Jesus here. You can’t cancel it. It’s not yours to cancel asshole. He winds up sulking in his North Pole mansion and letting two elves get busted by some Southern cops. One of the reindeer almost dies in the heat. Does he give a shit? No way. Dude is laying around in his underwear, deep into a bottle of rum watching “Real Housewives of Atlanta”. Not until he gets a letter from a little girl sufficiently licking his ass does he get off the couch and work the one day a year he is contractually committed to.

Fuck Santa.


At December 2, 2011 at 1:08:00 AM EST , Blogger Field Marshal Rommel said...

That wasn't too bad, there.

At December 2, 2011 at 3:15:00 PM EST , Blogger Greg Tully said...

You been smoking opium? That is some funny shit...


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