Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Nurse the Hate: Browns Fan Black Friday Guide

I’m not leaving my house on “Black Friday” to go shopping. This is not due to an aversion to crowds, but is more indicative of the fact that I am averse to being surrounded by Rubes. The General Public believes if they go spend all of their disposable income on the day after Thanksgiving, they will be rewarded with ungodly values on items like singing fish wall plaques, soon to be out of date DVD players, and off brand smart phones. This is a Fool’s Game.

The true Holiday Veteran shopper knows to hang low, and use the untamed power of the World Wide Intrawebs to secure that perfect holiday gift for that Browns fan on their Xmas list. I like you and I want to help you. I want you to be completely relaxed this Thanksgiving Eve, and focused on the shockingly amateur NFL Network broadcast of the Ravens game. I want you to know that your holiday shopping needs are but one click away. Browns fans, rejoice!

http://www.ebay.com/itm/vintage-JEFF-GARCIA-CLEVELAND-BROWNS-JERSEY-sz-LG-XL-/380200050558 For a mere $36 you can get your hands on probably the jersey of the most hated QB in recent Browns history, Jeff Garcia. An ugly footnote in the Browns ongoing QB Carousel, he was the guy NE Ohio loved to hate. In the short year he was here, Garcia was accused of being gay, nabbed a Playboy Centerfold, made a kazillion dollars, and posted a QB rating of 0.0 against the Cowboys. I wonder if he would whisper into the ear of the Playboy chick “See, I’m not gay!” when he mounted her from behind? Who knows… Anyway, Jeff got the last laugh and here’s the perfect commerative from the days when the team was sure they would get someone good off the old scrap heap.

http://www.sportsmemorabilia.com/sports-products/autographed-terry-kirby-photo-cleveland-browns.html Relive the unexplainable early hope and crushing reality of the 1999 Browns season with this signed Terry Kirby photograph. Kirby led the Browns with 452 yards rushing on what may have been one of the worst NFL teams ever assembled. At $21, this is a real value for folks that want to ask themselves “What were we thinking?” at every glance.

http://www.amazon.com/Cleveland-Browns-Football-Jersey-William/dp/B0012XPUVI There are still plenty of these William Green jerseys floating around a decade after the Browns made him their number one pick and assumed franchise player. This one, sure to light up any room in the festive orange, is only $25 and XXL. This is absolutely perfect for the “husky” boy on your list. Green washed out after one good year. Ah, but what a ride! He got caught for marijuana twice, fathered a child with a woman that was not his wife, got stabbed (somewhat understandably) by his wife, and got a DUI while wearing only one shoe and one sock. Maybe my favorite Brown.

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Mens-Reebock-NFL-Cleveland-Browns-Braylon-Edwards-17-L-Large-Jersey-Shirt-/250935527791?pt=US_Mens_Athleticwear&hash=item3a6cec496f The least expensive Browns jersey currently available on Ebay is this Braylon Edwards jersey. It’s $1.99. You can’t buy a tube of toothpaste for $1.99. There are homeless guys in rags that are shuffling along 30th and Euclid that would say “Fuck that!” if you offered them this shirt for nothing. How a young man could so quickly turn an entire region of the country against him is really shocking if you think about it. Edwards was always under the impression that he was going to get to be post career Michael Irvin just by showing up. He forgot to become a Hall of Famer and to not drop passes thrown to him. Catching passes is apparently looked upon favorably by teams paying great sums of money to wide receivers. Not catching passes and shooting your mouth off all the time about how great you are doesn’t play too well. Why is this jersey $1.99? Here’s why… I was at the Key Club at the Quicken Loans Arena, an area under the stands that is a VIP eat n’ drink for Cavs games. Braylon Edwards was there fixing a plate. He needed a roll, and some schlub like me was standing near them. He offered Edwards a roll. Edwards accepted this man’s kind gesture. The guy said, “If I throw it to you, you won’t drop it, will you?” True story.

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Vintage-CLEVELAND-BROWNS-Football-Jersey-MORGAN-sz-M-/220839682515?pt=US_Mens_Tshirts&hash=item336b1221d3 Who wouldn’t find unbridled joy on Xmas morning finding this Quincy Morgan jersey under the tree? Morgan flamed out with the Browns, and probably reached a high point for me when he made a statement about himself in third person after dropping a game changing 4th down pass. “I’m just going to go out and keep playing Quincy Morgan football.” Quincy Morgan Football proved to be dropping passes in key situations. He was quickly traded mid season for Antonio Bryant, a guy the Cowboys hated enough to trade despite the fact they literally had no healthy receivers and Morgan totally sucked. The times may have changed, yet this jersey lives on! And at $25, what better way to say “Happy Holiday!”?


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