Nurse the Hate: Hate Taco Bell

I don't know how many commercials Taco Bell bought for that crappy new Doritos taco, but they sure did buy plenty of spots in NCAA basketball. It seems inconceivable that you haven't seen the commercial, but let me give you the quick rundown. A car full of scruffy young friends that appear to have just come from an Urban Apparel ad drive over 900 miles to get access to this limited edition taco from Taco Bell last year. The food item is a taco exactly like they normally sell, but made from a shell that is a giant nacho cheese Dorito.

I'm all in for a good road trip. Hell, I just drove across Kansas to play rock music in a shitty basement in San Antonio. That being said, even I with my distorted sense of priorities cannot come up with a scenario in which I drive 900 miles to eat Taco Bell. As most of us know by now, Taco Bell fills their tacos with something that cannot be called by even the liberal USFDA standards "meat". Let's also be honest. All Taco Bell food items are essentially the same thing, a variety of combinations of "meat", tortillas, cheese, refried beans, and tortilla chips. If you order food from Taco Bell, you should really just focus on what is the cheapest item per ounce, as it really doesn't make any difference. The beef burrito begot the Taco from whence came the quesadilla that spawned the gordita. It's the same shit.

So this a-hole in the commercial thinks to himself, "Man... A Taco Bell taco made from a Dorito. I can't even get my head wrapped around that. It seems incredible. There is no way I could recreate that taste by buying a bag of Doritos from the Speedway and dumping it into my nacho supreme. No. I better get my friends and drive 900 miles to a Taco Bell location to really experience all life has to offer and try it firsthand."

This guy literally must have driven by dozens of outstanding Mexican restaurants on his way to that Taco Bell location. For about 14 hours those assholes drove across America to eat that shitty food. Every four hours when they would stop to gas up, they would have reminded each other not to eat any roller dogs or microwave burritos from the gastric wonderland of the highway gas stations across this Great Nation of ours. "Jeremy! We only have seven more hours! Save your appetite! Dorito tacos in 400 more miles!"

28 hours round trip. Hundreds of dollars in gas. The payoff? A Taco Bell taco made from a Dorito. In case you ever wonder why people from other countries want to blow us up, that's it right there.