Nurse the Hate: Hate Tim Tebow

People are very excited about this Tim Tebow fella aren’t they? Why, that good Christian boy threw for 316 yards last week… as in John 3:16. Yes, there is only one conclusion we can come to by the success of this young man as a quarterback of an NFL team in nine games. He is blessed, and God’s favorite QB. This also means that everyone else Tebow faces has somehow fallen out of favor with his eminence, and God will always insure a victory for The Chosen One. There is no longer any point in fighting it. It is real. It as if it has been preordained.

I believe that Tim Tebow will lead the Broncos to victory on Sunday, because he is God’s Chosen Vessel. It is only through conspicuous rooting for the Broncos can we, as but mere mortals, become closer with God. I am a believer. I will not be surprised when Tim Tebow will score a late touchdown, and then majestically ascend towards the heavens while Broncoettes, clad only in white flowing robes strum hymns on lutes and harps. A single blinding white ray of light will beam down on Thy Second Coming, and men and women both will fall to the ground wailing for the suffering awaiting them in eternal torment of Hell as they have dared to doubt the work of the Lord. Hands will turn to fire that dared to hold a ticket with a wager against the Lord and His Denver Broncos. The Colorado River will run red with the blood of the fallen.

While it is apparent that Tebow is The Chosen One, it is only logical to think this through. God is a Denver Broncos fan, which of course places AFC West rival the Raiders as Lucifer’s team. This goes a long way to explaining things like the JaMarcus Russell draft pick, Terrell Pryor, the coaching merry-go-round, etc. But what of the Patriots? They also stand in thy way of Saint Tim. This also places Tom Brady and Bill Belichick as also part of Satan’s minions. Belichick, like Death Himself in his unwashed hoodie, emotionlessly moving ahead with his work. Sure of his charge. Certain of the eventual outcome of events. Plotting and planning. For only death could stop what has already been foretold.

Tim Tebow jerseys will replace “Sunday Best” clothes in churches. All various religions will fold under the one common banner of “Tebowists”, leaving only a few foolish skeptics and Raider fans behind. The planet will enjoy a peace and prosperity only spoken of in hushed whispers in the past. We will have enjoy knowing smiles each Sunday as Saint Tim will lead “Earth’s Team”, the Denver Broncos to inevitable victory after inevitable victory each Sunday.

It is a New Age. Let us embrace it.