Nurse the Hate: Hate The Missing Kid Story

There is nothing the morning national news programs love more than a missing baby story. The details of the stories change, but they are always roughly the same. A fucked up hillbilly white couple calls the police to report their baby missing. “We put the baby to bed at 8pm. We didn’t leave the house. We woke up this morning, and the baby was gone! Poof!” After an exhaustive search, the police find nothing. Local news picks up on it, and depending on the marketability of the couple, the national media descends like jackals. Then the hillbillies go on TV…

I think we can agree that having your infant snatched would probably be much worse than someone ripping off your new flat screen TV. One may become distressed. I would offer the advice that opposed to talking to Matt Lauer and 20 million viewers, one should speak with someone privately. Someone like an attorney. With the exception of that couple of kooks in the Northwest that raised some kid they stole in a shed, has there ever been someone caught for stealing a baby without apparent motive?

I don’t know how many children are actually stolen, and what kind of an eBay demand there is for an entry titled “young hillbilly baby”. I also don’t know who these alleged bogeyman are that silently slip into lower class homes like ninjas to steal infants. Maybe there is a wild underground in the infant sales trade that I am completely unaware of… All I know is that almost every single one of these stories always seems to end the same way. The parents killed the kid somehow, and then figured the best way to cover it up was to draw national interest by reporting their adorable child as stolen by an international ring of hillbilly children thieves. It is the worst plan possible.

I do not understand why these couples agree to be grilled nationally by Matt Lauer daily. As soon as I see them awkwardly speculate on hardball questions for the hosts, I think “Guilty”. I think the excitement of being on TV so outweighs common sense that all caution is thrown to the wind. In America, there is no greater drug than fame. “You know what Honey Punch? I know we have to try and lay low but wouldn’t it be awesome to be on the set of the Today Show? Maybe we’ll get to meet Lady Gaga! They said they’ll even put us up in a hotel and we can order room service!” Then in exchange for a room service club sandwich, they get to answer questions like “People have speculated you might have had something to do with the disappearance of Baby Jessica. Exactly how involved were you in her disappearance and possible death?” Nothing like being tried in public prior to your inevitable real trial in a courtroom, eh? But you did get to be on TV!

The latest story is in Maine. The circumstances, of course, make no sense. Trista Reynolds, the mother of missing Baby Ayla, sat on the Today show set today and couldn’t have looked any more pleased. It looked like she was on a national media tour promoting a movie or book. You would have never guessed that she had a missing toddler. She was absolute ratings gold. What could be better than a fairly attractive young woman, fresh out of rehab, airing out her fucked up relationship dirty laundry? She was dishing on the couch like she was complaining to her loser friends at Applebee’s over jalapeno poppers. It was odd to say the least. However, it was great TV! When they got her in that tight closeup, while she implored the child’s father “to just talk to me”? The segment producer was doing a cartwheel down the hallway with glitter flying out of his/her ass screaming “Woooo!!!!! Woooo!!!!!”.

The baby’s father, presumably hitting the mattresses in some abandoned warehouse, is maintaining total radio silence. It’s a pretty tough situation for that guy. Let’s forget he probably has at least some idea of what happened. Imagine being that guy. It’s pretty crazy to think your white trash crazy alcoholic girlfriend is sitting on the Today Show talking shit about you. A few days ago she was leaving you crazy messages on your pre-paid shitty cell phone. Now she’s hitting the talk show circuit like a white trash Kardashion. Can you fucking imagine? You are probably being considered “Person of Interest #1” by the cops and the girlfriend is talking to anyone with a microphone blaming you. This should really be good TV as this develops. If Trista can get a good PR firm in the fold, and do a quick image makeover, she can probably score a reality show series deal. She is remarkably composed on the set. You really couldn’t cast anyone better. The key will be to get as much screen time as possible for her. By now, she must have “people” handling this.

I wonder if anyone will look for the kid in between TV bookings?