Sunday, December 16, 2012

Nurse the Hate: Hate Tampa Bay

I was sitting at a drafting table in a large classroom setting.  I was working on painstakingly detailed technical drawings of ornate keys.  Behind me to my right, Bob Dylan walked into the room dressed in a colorful cowboy jacket and wide brimmed hat that he has taken to wearing.  He came over my right shoulder, pointed to one of the keys and said with a smile, “That one.  That one there.”.  I was really nervous and didn’t know if I should pretend to know who he was or not.  I decided to go for it and stammered out, “Umm… Mr. Dylan, I just wanted to let you know that ah…”.  He turned and walked away.  What the hell did that mean?

I would have preferred if that dream had been Dylan picking a football game today.  However, I don’t know if I would bet with Dylan or against Dylan.  I have a hard time imagine Dylan being well versed in football.  He seems like a pretty wacky guy that probably doesn’t even know that Carolina has a football team.  He probably wouldn’t even give you a straight answer if you asked him about the Pittsburgh/Dallas game today.  Bob, who do you like today?  “Well Pittsburgh has lots of Indian blood in the soil, but the dust of Texas is so pure.  They’ve both been there a long time.  The game has already been played anyway.”  What?  Do you wanna give the points or not?  Jesus Bob.  How about it?  I will clearly have to go this alone.

I am not a big fan of the city of Tampa.  As far as I could tell, the only businesses in Tampa are used car lots, pawn shops, strip clubs, and medical malpractice attorneys.  The baseball stadium sucks.  Ybor City is where the clubs used to be, and it harbored some of the worst music anywhere.  I remember playing a club there where the other band on the bill spent 90 minutes soundchecking, of which ten minutes alone were spent adjusting their special hippie rugs they brought with them.  Genesis probably did shorter soundchecks at Madison Square Garden.  They were horrible, but not to be outdone, we went out and alienated their entire fan base with our catalogue of “hits”.  It was especially depressing when I walked outside and saw a line a mile long to get into a “foam party” next door.  Dancing in a bubble bath and dry humping strangers was probably more fun than we offered, so I couldn’t stay too pissed.  Regardless, I still have a bad taste about Tampa.

I am going to set all of this aside and take Tampa +3.5 today against the hapless Saints.  I read something the other day where an NFL scout said the Saints had the worst defense he had seen in 30 years of NFL experience.  That means something.  Tampa has quietly been playing OK football, where the Saints look to be a team trying to end this nightmare season.  I think Tampa wins outright, but I’ll take the 3.5.  Tampa +3.5.

I don’t know too much about Carolina except Cam Newton is the QB and they might not have any of their games televised.  They might be a team that someone made up, and they shoot fake highlight footage to see if any of us are really paying attention.  (We’re not.)  Those highlights might be made by the Rankin and Bass people that make those creepy Christmas puppet specials.  If you look close enough, can you spot strings attached to DeAngelo Williams?  Do you know anyone that has personally met Cam Newton?  I don’t.  I think the whole thing is a scam.  They do still put out lines and let you bet on the alleged games though.  I looked up these fabricated past game records, and it appears that the Panthers are better than they were earlier in the season when The Public decided they sucked.  They are a team that loses but hangs around in close games.  I will take them +3 against a Chargers team that is probably tired from packing up Norv Turner’s car with the shit from his office.  San Diego is pretty bad and heading down, while Carolina is pretty bad heading up.  I will take the points.  Hopefully Phillip Rivers can toss a couple of INTs to whatever marionettes the Panthers have in the secondary.  Carolina +3.

Dallas isn’t very good.  I know this because I talk about how bad Dallas is every week with a friend that is a big Cowboys fan.  He loves Dallas and he knows they are bad.  “So bad” is the phrase he uses.  You might think they’re good, but they aren’t.  They really aren’t.  Dallas is especially bad against teams that pressure the crap out of Romo.  The Steelers will pressure the crap out of Romo.  I realize that Pittsburgh is a brittle shell of the team they were two years ago.  I just think that they still have enough when they “need” a game.  Dallas, on the other hand, folds when they “need” a game.  Especially at home, when the last time they covered was when Roger Staubach still had a buzzcut from his Naval service.  That was 1969.  (The facts I just used are pretty dodgy.  Actually, I made them up.  Beware.)  I think Dallas is running on empty after that emotional win last week in Cincinnati.  (I would also like to point out that I have no concrete evidence of that fact either.  I don’t care.  I’m on a roll today.)  Gimme Pittsburgh -1. 

Current Record Vs Spread:  10-9-1



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