Sunday, December 23, 2012

Nurse the Hate: NFL Week 16

I have 756 different television channels, yet the only thing that is on when I wake up in the dark is “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”.  It’s really uncanny how that might be the only movie that airs between 11p-5a with the exception of “The Roommate”, a terrible movie where a college you never heard of is mostly empty except for two hot chicks and one hot chick’s hot dude boyfriend.  You’ve never seen a cleaner more contemporary dorm with less foot traffic than the one they live in.  It’s like two models went to college at a W Hotel.  Everyone has nice clothes and a limitless supply of money.  I don’t want to ruin it for you, but one hot chick kills the other hot chick after the other hot chick does some fucked up stuff to the first hot chick.  It’s a helluva thing.  I hope that kid is OK.  Was that a movie or a documentary?  

When you find yourself flipping through channel after channel, hoping for just one thing to capture your interest, there is always one place to go.  No, I'm not talking about infomercials or hillbilly reality TV.  I'm talking about the best soap opera on TV.  I'm talking about ESPN.

ESPN has spent the last week stunned that the New York Jets don’t have a good QB and the team as a whole is mediocre.  Why this is surprising is beyond me as the team missed the playoffs last year, added no good players, and then had most of their good ones get hurt this year.  I knew the Jets were going to be 7-9.  My friends knew the Jets would be 7-9.  We all knew about the QB situation.  I understand that with 24 hours of continuous broadcast day there is a lot of content to fill, but Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow sucked last year and they sucked again this year.  They will suck again next year wherever they end up.  Why are you trying to pretend you didn’t know that?  With all the coverage of that going on, why didn’t they tell me something really important?  Why didn’t they tell me that the Eagles are 0-6-1 at home vs the spread?

The Eagles are a total mess right now.  What a disaster this year has been.  They are currently working with their 9th offensive line combination.  The coach’s son died of a heroin overdose, and made sure to leave a room filled with steroids behind.  Michael Vick’s brother, maybe one of the biggest dumbfucks ever, likes to tweet out public relations disasters.  Eagle fans don't want people to be fired.  They want public executions.  These guys need to press the “re-set” button.  I think they want to go home for Christmas, drink some whiskey, and watch “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”.  You think they are going to cover their first game at home this season against the Redskins?  I don’t.  I don’t even care who is playing QB for the Redskins.  Throw Sanchez in there, and they’d still win.  Give me Washington -6.5.

That general malaise that defines December Cleveland Browns football has nestled into NE Ohio like a nice head cold.  There is more speculation about Next Year than coverage about the game this week, just as it is every December.  Everyone expects the Browns to get pounded today at Denver, who I have a sneaking suspicion might be the best team in the NFL right now.  The Browns have never fared well in Denver.  Mile High Stadium has been the site of many disasters for fans and bettors alike.  I still remember with great clarity all of my friends witnessing their dreams get crushed when Earnest Byner fumbled on the goal line.  I sat watching in a John Elway jersey just to be a pain in the ass.  I even went out drinking after the game in that jersey, risking life and limb in a town where football used to mean more than anything else.  

People have long memories.  They also tend to only notice the headlines.  They all know that Denver has Peyton Manning and “always” wins at home.  The Browns "always" lose in Denver.  Denver is going to the Playoffs and appear to be a power.  The Broncos are also 3-2-1 against the spread at home.  Hmmm…  They are also facing a young Browns team that has a way of sticking close in games.  Here’s the thing about the Browns.  No one remembers that Cleveland lost a game by 5.  They remember they lost.  Again.  And again.  Although the Browns will clearly be outclassed today, I am taking the Browns +12 and hoping that the unmotivated Broncos do just enough to win.

The New York Giants are tough to figure.  They went out and get their nuts stomped last week 34-0.  Based on their up again,/down again season, this week they should be up, right?  Right?  These guys have had the New York media up their ass all week asking them to explain why they flamed out last week.  Nobody wants to do that two weeks in a row.  The good news for them is that they get to play a fast falling Ravens team.  The Ravens have a nice little 9-5 record, but what no one is talking about is how they have been outgained nine of their last ten games.  That's not good.  In fact, that's really bad.  The last semi legit team Baltimore beat was Dallas.  That was back on October 14th.  What was that?  A lifetime ago?  I am going strong on the Giants -1.  

I like Seattle at home on Monday night.  This troubles me as I have heard many other “experts” say the same thing.  Whenever “everybody” likes something, it’s never a good thing.  “Everybody” likes Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, Transformers movies, American Idol, white sunglasses, white watches, and Burger King.  These are all things without merit.  So too I feel may be my selection of the Seattle Seahawks. 

I do think that that The Gambling Public is very much in love with the September 49er team that beat the fuck out of the Packers.  I don’t think that team is the same team now.  Say what you want about Alex Smith, but they had it going on with him.  They would have gone to the Super Bowl last year if not for a muffed punt.  Who loves the backup quarterback?  Everybody.  So when I see everyone all crazy about Colin Kaepernick, I am not so fast to buy in.  Seattle has a monster D, and Seattle is a bitch of a place to go in and take a win.

I’m doing it.  I’m taking Seattle -1.    

Current Record Vs Spread:  11-11-1  


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