Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Nurse the Hate: Hate Chris Perez

This might be my favorite “guy that gets busted for weed and goes to court” photograph of all time.  Most of you probably have no idea that the guy in the photograph is Indians closer Chris Perez.  In what would appear to have been an “Eastbound and Down” Kenny Powers script idea, Perez decided to have a package of marijuana sent to his home sourced from his landlord.  The landlord, an interesting unsavory character in his own right, got out of the mortgage business after I assume making a few hundred predatory loans that all defaulted, and got into one of the only businesses more shady, a California medical marijuana dispensary.  I had read that he had been arrested in LA after being caught stuffing bricks of cocaine into a car that was being shuttled back to Ohio, but maybe he got out of that somehow.  Regardless, he mailed a big package of pot to Perez.  The good news is that they also had a foolproof scheme to keep themselves out of trouble.  Perez and his wife (I assume the tiny little blonde on the left) had it sent to the house in their dog’s name.

I would imagine that this foolproof plan came to fruition only after smoking up and thinking it through.  I have this image of a Kid Rock album playing in the background when the inspiration came like a lightning bolt.  “We could have it shipped to Brody.  Totally!  They can’t arrest a dog Bro!  We could be like, “Hey man… I don’t know what the dog has shipped to him.  I was like, on the road when this got sent.  How do I know what the dog is doing when I’m trying to blow my deuce past Miggy Cabrera? ”  Brody wouldn’t say anything, would you Boy!  C’mere Boy!  Who’s a good boy?  Who’s a good boy?”  Then there would be lots of laughing, perhaps some knuckle bumps, and the rich feeling of satisfaction that you have beaten “The Man”.

The real killer is when you have to show up in Rocky River court and explain, in the cold harsh light of day, why you thought it was a good idea to mail yourself weed via your dog Brody.  I went to that court once for a traffic ticket I was fighting, and I saw a guy get thrown in The Clink for falling asleep and snoring in the courtroom.  Note, that is probably not a good way to endear yourself to the man that will determine your punishment for your crime against society in the next 45 minutes or so to be snoring with your mouth open while he conducts business.  It also didn’t help my confidence as I was getting psyched up for my own private courtroom drama to see that dude pulled outta there.  I just kept having a vision of being hauled away yelling out random legal terms.  “Habeas corpus!  Brown vs. Board of Education! Continuance!”      

I lost that traffic ticket argument.  I don’t think Perez is going to get the “W” in this one either.


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