Sunday, October 4, 2015

Nurse the Hate: Hate the NFL Week 4

I looked at the NFL lines yesterday and quickly came to the conclusion that Vegas has completely zeroed these in.  The early weeks of playing on people’s perceptions that the Eagles would never lose a game and that the Jets are awful have passed.  The curtain has been pulled back.  Now we begin the process of pointless gambling and chasing our tails.  However the weather has become grim, so what else are you going to do on a Sunday?

I feel the need to make a frivolous teaser bet today.  In Vegas Sportsbook parlance, this is known as a “sucker bet”.  I am not sure what it says about me that I am willingly making a bet that I know in advance is for “suckers”, much less that I am talking about it openly.  I am also going to combine two teams that have collectively let me down for almost a half century.  This is a suicide mission.  A celebration of folly that should make me a public laughingstock.  A miscalculation so obvious to even the casual sports fan that I expect to be pointed at while walking down the street.  Little children will tug at their mother’s coat and whisper “Mommy?  Is that the man that took Buffalo and Cleveland in a teaser?” while their mother’s sharply hiss “Shhhh!  Don’t even look at him.  Something is very wrong with that man!”

Cleveland +13/Buffalo +.5

I am going to continue this comedy of errors by taking the Chicago Bears.  If you are reading this on a traditional computer, I will give you a moment to clear off the drink you probably spit all over the screen after reading that.  Listen, I did a little nosing around.  I have my ear to the ground on this game.  I’ve got the inside dope.  My people are telling me that Jay Cutler is going to play.  This is important in that Jimmy Clausen won’t be playing.  Jimmy Clausen has been disappointing people since he graduated high school.  After his football career is over I suspect he will disappoint anyone he is involved with regardless of the activity.  “Jimmy, I just thought your sales numbers would be better…  What happened?”  Or maybe “Honey, this steak you grilled… It’s okay I guess but… Did you season it?”  Meanwhile poor Jimmy will be standing there in his grilling apron holding his tongs looking dejected, dreaming about when he was in high school and was THE MAN. 

The other factor in this is that Chicago is playing an Oakland team that everyone has decided is a monster team bound for the Playoffs.  People can’t stop talking about how the Raiders are BACK!  Look, they beat the Browns and a dodgy 1-3 Ravens team while getting pounded by Cincinnati.  Let’s not lose our minds.  I am going to rely on the adage that The Public is always wrong.  The Public is heavily on Oakland.  That little kid that tugged on her Mom’s coat has two bills on the Raiders today.  Fuck that kid.  I am going the other way and taking Chicago at home with the points.

Chicago +3.5

Season Record 4-5


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