Friday, February 12, 2016

Nurse the Hate: The New Men's Room Situation

A guy I work with was closing out his work day yesterday.  Let’s call him Jerry.  His supervisor nervously called him into the office.  The conversation was awkward.  “Um, Jerry, uh…  I have to talk to you about something…  Ahhh…  This isn’t about your performance but ahhh….”  At this point Jerry starts to freak out.  What is going on?  Why is the supervisor so nervous?  Is he about to get fired?  What could he have done?  His mind raced through possibilities.

“Jerry, we received a complaint that you went to the bathroom earlier this week and didn’t flush.  Apparently a co-worker reported that you urinated in the stall, washed your hands, and then ran out of there without flushing.”  At this point Jerry is stumbling all over himself trying to remember the incident in question while apologizing profusely with some sort of explanation combination of toilet sensor failure, absentmindedness, and/or being in a hurry.  It couldn’t have been easy to think up on the fly.  He had no idea this had happened.  This resulted in the supervisor attempting to make Jerry feel better by passing along embarrassing work incidents in his own past.  “Jerry… I too have had embarrassing things happen at work.  One time my boss sent me home to change shoes because he said I looked like I worked at Foot Locker.  And then another time I got this stain…”  The whole thing was very tense.  Jerry wondered if the incident would end up in his employment record.  Who the hell had done this to him?

I like to think about how the incident got to that point.  The original “non-flush” incident happened and the unknown co-worker became upset.  Undoubtedly that guy went back to his department in the company and discussed it with his co-workers.  Jerry was outed as some sort of serial toilet non-flusher, as if he was unaware of how the device worked or was no better than a household pet and just let it rip wherever he was at the time of need.  Then someone must have spoken up.  “You need to tell the boss!”  He would have then been urged by the others to do so.  "Yeah, you should say something..."  Later that day a knock would have been made at the department head’s office.  “Hey Chuck?  Got a minute?”  Sure Bill.  Come on in.  Close the door.  So what’s on your mind?  You don’t say…  You don’t say...  Jesus.  And he just ran out of there?  We better get Sam in the loop on this.

The supervisor then would have gone upstairs to the General Manager.  “Sam?  Got a minute?  We’ve got a real issue going on downstairs on the second floor.  It appears that one of those sales guys won’t flush the toilet.  No… No… It was piss, but God knows if he flushes his shits down.  What kind of person does this?  Look…  Mike is really upset about this.  He’s talking about filing some sort of grievance.”  Alright.  We need to nip this thing in the bud.  Let’s go talk to HR.  We need to see what our options are on this thing.  We don’t need this blowing up on us down the line.

At this point the GM, department head, and the "injured party" would have met with the company HR person.  Forms would have been filled out, as all meetings need to be documented as per protocol.  These would then have been filed electronically with complete incident detail.  “…at this point employee Jerry Smith ran out of the area, not flushing the stall toilet and leaving the area as if he were fleeing a bank robbery.  This is the first known documented incident though a pattern is believed to be emerging from this employee.”.  At this point is when the sales department head would have been called in to the growing concern.  

“Look, you’re going to need to get your people in line down there.  You just can’t have your sales guys pissing all over the place and not respecting the other employees.  Other departments are talking.  They seem to think that this is indicative of another larger issue, and frankly I’m inclined to agree.  This Jerry Smith character needs to be cut down to size.  Next thing you know he will take a fucking shit in the lobby.  I don’t want to hear another word about this filthy animal.  Get him in line or I will get someone in here who will!  Capisce?”.  The nervous sales manager would have briskly walked in a panic back downstairs looking for Jerry.

By this point most people within the building know of Jerry as “that guy that doesn’t flush the toilet”.  This will have spread like wild fire.  Jerry will hear whispers as he walks through halls and snickers from groups.  Everyone will give him the eye when he walks out of the men’s room.  By next week an email will be sitting in my inbox.  “It has recently come to our attention here at corporate that not all employees are aware of how to best use the restroom facilities at our locations.  With this in mind we will require all employees to view a “Toilet Re-Training Module” which you will find on the company website.  This will be required to be viewed and signed off on by the end of the month or harsh disciplinary action will follow.  It is a 90 minute video with multiple choice questions.  Plan for two hours to complete the module.

So here I am at the end of the day.  I went to the men’s room for the all-important “pre-drive home piss stop”.  There at the one urinal was Jerry doing his business.  That led me into the stall where I robustly did my duty.  Jerry was washing his hands as I finished and left.  I paused and did not flush the toilet.  Jerry left the men's room.  I quickly washed up and walked down the hall.  I peeked my head in the supervisor’s office.  “Hey… This is sort of weird to bring up, but I was just in the men’s room and Jerry took a leak in the toilet and didn’t flush.  What’s the deal man?  Can you mention to him that civilized people flush the fucking toilet?  Thanks.”.

I can’t wait to see what happens.


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