Saturday, January 16, 2016

Nurse the Hate: NFL Playoffs

Detroit is a bleak city.  I am not sure if I should admire the tendency of the city for flag waving or to laugh out loud at the absurdity.  Detroit a number of years ago decided that they would pretend all their glaring deficiencies were actually rallying points and enthusiastically threw themselves into a campaign of self-promotion (or delusion depending on your point of view).  Like a real estate flier, urban blight was no longer to be ignored but declared “gritty” and “real”.  Area residents aren’t dangerous mental patients but “colorful locals”.  The economy isn’t flimsy.  It’s “an opportunity for growth”.  It sort of reminds me of those enormous women that are always involved in burlesque.  They can offer all the stage smiles and flashy costumes they want, but we all see what’s going on there.   

As far as a recording destination, it’s as good as any other.  We could be on the surface of the moon.  The entire weekend will be spend in two windowless rooms wearing headphones tweaking details on music that no one will ever notice but us.  Just to humor me, please tell me that you appreciate how we got the ring out of the ride cymbal on the new record.  It will make me feel better and help lesson the creeping feeling that it’s only a fool’s errand I’m on.

That being said, I will miss most of the NFL Playoff games this weekend.  That’s a shame, as I always love the divisional round of the playoffs.  This is when it is really getting down to it and most of the straw dogs have been weeded out.  Everyone left in the playoffs has a legitimate scenario in which they can win the whole thing, though some have a much more believable story than others.  I will wager on these games, as not to is some sort of admission of a lack of American manhood.  I look forward to glancing at my computer for scoring updates while doing the ninth scratch vocal to “Wheels Go Round” sometime late this afternoon.  I have no choice but to bet on all of these games, so here we go…

Kansas City at New England:  I like this game for one simple reason.  The casual fan is under the impression that New England has never lost a game and will never lose a game.  They may have even heard that New England is coming off of a bye week, though they might not know what that actually means.  It sounds good though and it must mean New England is going to win again because they ALWAYS win.  Meanwhile Kansas City has very quietly become a dominant team.  The Playoffs are all about who is playing well at the moment.  New England is a shell of the team that it was in October when they actually did look unbeatable.  I think Kansas City is going to win this game outright, as Andy Reid isn’t going to get outclassed by Hoodie.  Still, I will take the points anyway…  Kansas City +5.

Green Bay at Arizona:  The national media has spent all week jacking themselves off because the Packers beat the Redskins.  Am I the only one that remembers the Redskins slithered out of a horrible NFC East?  This week it’s Arizona, and that team is a friggin monster.  As far as I’m concerned, the Cardinals are the team to beat.  Carson Palmer has won 26 of his last 31 starts.  Arizona has been covering the spread at a 2-1 clip with this current incarnation of the team.  Meanwhile the Packers are 2-11 ATS as an underdog.  Let’s not dance around the issue.  The Packers, who have looked shitty for two months, didn’t suddenly get good after beating the Redskins.  That team has problems all over the field and a really good QB.  Arizona has allowed 6 100-yard rushers in the last 43 games.  You think Eddie Lacey is going to get off the couch and roll for 150 today?  I sure don’t.  Arizona -7.

Seattle at Carolina:  This is the game of the weekend.  Seattle is peaking right now at exactly the right time.  Carolina appears to be sliding down over the last three weeks.  I will level with you.  I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen here.  Seattle plays well in December, against winning teams, at home, on the road, etc.  They are just a really good team.  Carolina is 18-8 at home against the spread.  They have outgained their opponent in 19 of their last 23 games, though being outgained in their last two weeks.  Seattle is 19-5 straight up against underdogs.  Confused yet?  I am.  What the hell.  I will take the home team.  Carolina -2.5

Pittsburgh at Denver:  It seems impossible that Pittsburgh wins this game.  They didn’t play a game last week so much as survive a medieval battle to the death with the Bengals.  Roethlesberger has a torn shoulder.  Antonio Brown is probably having a skull operation right now.  I have no idea who is starting at running back.  I just can’t see how they come back after that bloodbath last week and summon up the strength to do that again.  If they do, it will be one of the most amazing feats in sports this decade.  Denver -7.


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