Nurse the Hate: Hate Yoga

The magic yoga culture is exerting great effort to penetrate my defensive walls and get into my world.  I have been aware of this subculture’s increasing influence and rapid growth for quite some time.  While skeptics would say that my awareness has been primarily getting caught staring like a creep at women in yoga pants at shopping areas, I would argue that I am the victim in that situation.  If I went walking around in a leopard pattern Speedo, I would expect some errant glances.  Note I used the word “errant” and not “appreciative”.  Either way, it would still be a glance.

The problem as I see it with yoga is like anything.  Some people get involved and they just go too goddamn far.  For example, I know a woman that told me that she left her husband because “he wasn’t supportive of my yoga”.  Unless he tried to prevent her from attending her 3:00 class, how much more supportive does he need to be?  She got in too deep.  I think that her version of “supportive of her yoga” meant him buying into the idea that she had super powers.  So when he mentioned she might be out of her mind when she said “I can cast spells and heal people”, he was “not supportive”. 

I am very skeptical of the idea of these alternative healers.  The other day I had a woman try to sell me into the idea of reiki.  The idea is that she is a natural healer.  She was born with this latent ability and then though the good fortune of New Age classes was able to unleash this power for the good of all that entered her sphere.  I told her I was glad that she had discovered this talent but I wasn’t a big proponent of it.  Look, I don’t want to rain on her parade.  She works a low paying gig, is a single mom, and if she thinks she has super powers, I don’t want to bum her out and disagree.  I also don’t want to pretend that I’m all in either.  She is a woman driving around in a broken down Corolla or something, not Wonder Woman’s invisible plane.  Let’s stay in our shoes.

The next thing I know she starts to wave her hands around me and closing her eyes as if in a trance.  She then opens her eyes and announces some of my chakras are blocked.   I cannot be happy until I balance these out and get myself on the same universe as the person that has blocked my chakras.  If I can be frank, this is quite a tall order to have dropped on you.  On the one hand I am very glad that it was my chakra blocked and not my arteries.  However, no one wants anything that is blocked.  Apparently the only way I can unblock it is to get on the proper universe. This seems like a lot of trouble as it can be a hassle to fly to San Francisco, much less traveling to another universe.  I have no map on how to get there.  How can I get unblocked?

The other big issue is that I don’t know how to unblock my chakra even if I find it.  She suggested I need to walk around barefoot or maybe hug a tree to gain the positive electrons from these activities.  Hmmm…  I don’t know how that would help me unblock my chakra that is all tangled up in another universe and mentioned to her that it seemed like a thin association.  This is when I was told that the current universe that I am in is not balanced and is why my chakra is blocked.  There are many different universes going on all at the same time, and I just needed to get this universe back in the flow of my proper destiny.  It sort of seemed like a random combination of mythology, New Age grooviness, physical therapy, Yes records, and comic books.  Still, she seemed like she was quite happy like she had all the answers and it is hard to argue with that type of self assured contentment. 

I am not sure where I go from here.  I have blocked chakras.  I am all fucked up in this universe.  I don’t know how to get to the other universe.  Even if I get to the other universe, I don’t know what to do when I get there.  Meanwhile I had no idea this was even an issue until this Magic Woman told me about it.  I was blissfully unaware of the size and scope of my problems.  If I may, I think that the time machine scenario I had previously in Tasmania was less hassle than multiple universes gone haywire with blocked chakras that I have now.  If I had that time machine, I could go back and prevent the chakras from being blocked I suppose.  It’s best not to dwell on it.  It just further blocks a chakra I’m sure.  I wish I could talk to "alternate universe me" and figure out what to do to right the ship.

God damn yoga.