Nurse the Hate: Alligator Attack

There was a news story about a woman being killed by an alligator in South Carolina.  I’m immediately drawn to those stories as I am always interested in someone meeting their demise from a monster.  It’s a much more exciting headline than “Man Slumps Over At Taco Bell From Heart Attack After Eating Cheese Explosion Nachos”.  There is something primal and tangible about a reptile bursting out of the water and pulling a screaming human into the depths.  For reasons I can’t explain, I’m always sad when I hear about the alligator being captured and killed in the aftermath.  The alligator was just being an alligator.  It’s not his fault.  Nancy exhibited poor safety protocol by walking a little snack by the water’s edge.  I can understand public opinion not being with me on this.  Clearly it would be uncomfortable to stroll around the lake in future weeks to note, “Hey, there’s that alligator that ate Nancy”.  That probably wouldn’t play at the Neighborhood Association Meeting.

In the scale of things, this is a minor news event.  Yet, all morning TV news programs jump all over it because we ALL want to know about a scary monster attacking.  It’s ratings gold.  One of the only disappointments is the stories all follow the same formula.  Person with dog walks by alligator.  Alligator does what alligators do and attacks.  Police say, “It’s a helluva thing.  Oh, and we neutralized the alligator.”  Animal expert in interview says “that was a bad idea to walk by the alligator with a miniature poodle”.  Then family and friends eulogize the deceased while a series of grainy stolen Facebook photos pan back and forth.  “Nancy was the nicest person you ever met, only doing things for others.  She would do anything for anyone.  This is a tragic loss.  We will miss her forever.  She was a saint.”

This is when I wish the news story was a little less flowery.  Maybe they should dig in there a bit.  For example, let’s say that I wander too close to the pond by my house walking the bassets and an enormous eel strikes.  He’s a monster.  Fifty feet long with a mouth as big as a Jetta.  Maybe I even valiantly fight the eel off and allow the bassets to drift off for their escape before being pulled flailing into the pond.  State animal protection agents rush to the scene and dynamite the sea monster, dragging it out of the pond with a tractor.  “This was a tragic event which could have been prevented.”, said State Wildlife officer Brandon Kerns.  “This is Eel Country in Lorain County.  Residents should know not to walk too close to brackish water.”

There is then a montage of clipped Facebook pictures of me in cowboy hats, Mexican wrestling masks, and hopefully an awkward portrait from the early 90s.  “Greg was an OK guy I guess.  He was always a little standoffish and his sarcasm seemed to have a bit too much of a bite.  He didn’t seem to care about others all that much.  He wasn’t quite right in my opinion.  Clearly his best years were behind him.  All and all, I don’t know how much of a loss this was.  I mean, an eel’s gotta eat, right?” said local neighbor Bob Stanley.   Then the story cuts to the studio where the anchor sounds serious and quickly brightens up.  “A cautionary tale for those of us near ponds…  Coming up next, a local cat water skis for charity!”

The current news stories of alligator attacks never really satisfy like that one would.  Sure, in theory I feel badly for Nancy getting eaten by the alligator.  It had to be a very bad surprise when that roared out of the lake, one that Nancy was ill-equipped to handle.  Her dog had to be more than a bit concerned.  I agree that conceptually, it’s a terrible tragedy.  However, it’s just something on TV.  It’s not real.  It’s the same as Game of Thrones, like a dragon attacked.  Look, I’m not even sure if South Carolina is real.  I just can't generate real feelings of connection.  The only thing that really caught my eye was this…  The dog was OK.