Nurse the Hate: NFL Week 9

Last week I was able to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory as both of my wagers came to catastrophic finishes despite looking like stone cold locks for almost the entirety of their respective games.  This is why people continue to pour money into 401ks and mutual funds, long games which are rigged to siphon the vig from you and make someone else rich.  I don’t know.  I often think it would be more satisfying to lose my savings on a missed late field goal from Robbie Gould instead of death by a thousand cuts from “maintenance fees” via enormous financial corporate concerns.  At least that way there would be a tangible villain in Robbie Gould instead of trying to figure out how much you actually paid the various assholes at Schwab.  However, let’s say Gould hits that kick.  Suddenly you are going out of your way to buy Robbie some hot wings and a frosty cold one on the off chance you run into him at a horrible sports bar named something cliché like “Bleachers” or “Fanz”.  No way you will ever buy Ernest J. Bullington III from Schwab a dozen wings.  He won’t deliver the goods like Robbie Gould would.  Time to bear down on Week 9.

The Browns fired their coach this week for what they called “internal discord”.  They really fired him because he totally sucked and is unable to coach at this level.  Yet, all week I have seen interview after interview from Hue Jackson where he places the blame on having the NFL’s all time worst coaching record on anyone but himself in a sickening passive aggressive manner.  If Hue Jackson wrecked your car, he would say the following.  “Listen.  I wrecked your car and that is on me.  I was behind the wheel.  However, the roads were very slick and you, as the owner should have probably replaced the tires.  It was also dark last night and no one told me to put the headlights on.  Now as the driver, I should probably have turned on the lights, but you never specifically said, “Hue, if it gets dark, put the lights on so you can see.”  I am not trying to say I don’t bear some responsibility, but I was in the dark on tires that were not very good.  So now I am going to just get back to being the greatest driver in the world and move past the 17 accidents I have on my record. I’d love to drive your car again if you repair it.  I’m the best.”

The Browns must have all exhaled when that fucking clown left the building.  Unfortunately, they have to play the Chiefs this week.  They will roll into this game with less preparation than normal, outgunned, and outmanned.  One of the things to note is when coaches get fired; the team tends to respond with greater effort.  Effort usually translates to better defense.  Look, there is no way the Browns win this game.  But they are at home, the fans will be behind them, and they finally got rid of Hue.  The Public thinks this is going to be 145-3.  I think there will be plenty of bend, don’t break effort on the defense’s part leaving too many field goals.  This game smells like an UNDER to me, and I will white knuckle the Kansas City/Cleveland UNDER 52.  Gulp.

I have attempted to watch the Tennessee Titans play three games this year.  Each time I become so bored I inevitably start to flip around on movie channels and start watching “The Royal Tennenbaums”.  If given the choice between watching Marcus Mariota throw an incomplete pass to a tight end for four yards or watching Owen Wilson’s character in full western garb drugged up behind the wheel of that convertible speed towards the wedding saying “Here I come…”, there is really no decision.  I go “Royal Tennenbaums” every single time.  I wasn’t even sure the Titans were still in the league until I noticed they were playing the Cowboys this week.  They are the vanilla ice milk of NFL franchises.  They are like a Buick Encore.  They remind me of one of the Rolling Stones records in the 1990s.  It’s sort of OK, but the second it is over, you forget it ever happened.  Frankly, the Titans should ditch that awful Titan logo and use the Stones “Voodoo Lounge” logo in some sort of licensing deal that could give Mick a few more sheckles to invest over at Schwab.  I know Bullington would love the fees. 

The Titans are playing the Cowboys.  Neither team is especially good at playing offense.  A couple years ago everyone thought that Dak and Mariota were the future of QB in the league.  Now they seem like the new version of Daunte Culpepper and Jon Kitna.  I won’t even try to watch this game because if I do, I know damn well I will change the channel to start watching the Royal Tennenbaums again.  True, I like it when Royal takes the kids out to drive go-karts and bet on cockfights, but I don’t want to put myself in position to watch that movie yet again.  I know this game will be low scoring and boring.  Give me the points.  Tennessee +6.5

Season Record:  4-4