Nurse the Hate: Exciting New Times In The Days Of Coronavirus

There was an undeniable Zombie Apocalypse feel to the end of this week.  The run on toilet paper and chicken was not how I pictured it, but then again this is sort of a B-level Zombie Apocalypse where instead of having Matt Damon as the lead we have Jason Priestly.  It would be much more exciting if this disease came and made you bleed out of your eyes and anus instead of just giving you a wicked ass case of the flu, but this is the disease our good friends in China thoughtfully created for us.  We have to play the hand we have been dealt.

America being what America is, sales increased sharply for cheap liquors and guns.  I am not 100% positive on what many people have for a game plan.  I picture them bunkered in their homes with bottles of Yellow Tail wine and Old Crow, crouched behind walls of hoarded toilet paper, trembling trigger fingers ready to shoot at a virus if it dares to enter their door to interrupt their binging of Netflix series.  To all of those that ran out and bought all the chicken and 600 cases of water...  now what?  I'd recommend that Miles Davis documentary.  It will be fun to watch that and have some baked chicken with a bottle of Dasani.

By the time Friday rolled around, I wasn't sure if I should disregard everything as a complete hysteria or get on board The Freak Out Train myself.  The more news I consume, the more sure I am that this sinus infection I have is about to blossom into me being on a ventilator in a rain soaked tent outside of an overrun hospital.  The pervading feeling is fear and distrust.  I walked the bassets and the rare times when I came across someone else walking I could see them evaluating me thinking "Is he infected?".  Their eyes squint slightly and bodies tense, involuntary reactions no doubt to the constant stress of The End Of The World.

When the number of cases start to ratchet up, The Fear will start to feed onto itself.  This period of time will be a real test.  I won't be surprised to see flipped cars serving as barricades on the Rocky River Bridge, open fires burning in barrels.  Nearby residents will have turned into tribes, enslaving the weak, many of them disregarding current fashions and now dressing in animal pelts with chains of human ears serving as punctuation to their descent into Lord of the Flies/Mad Max.  Language will have evolved into the last 48 hours into a new simplistic series of grunts.  "You no pass bridge.  We take car.  You slave now."  Meanwhile I was just hoping to get into Lakewood to buy toilet paper.  It will be a drag to serve as a slave in a tribe of guys that used to be window installers and Home Depot employees, but it's important to adjust when life throws you a curve ball.

Maybe I can become some sort of cryptic advisor.  I can picture myself in robes with a belt made of keys that don't open anything.  I will speak only in riddles.  The Tribe War Lord will beckon me to his chamber (what just two days ago was a yoga studio).  "Advisor!  What say thee?  Shall we make war on thy tribes of Rocky River so we may take thy toilet paper and water?"  I will stare off in the distance, strolling slowly as a slow smile spreads on my face.  "The moon that is full is like the bear that has been awaken three days before Spring."  Now if this was a week ago, these guys would look at each other and say "What is that dude talking about?".  Yet, even though it is only two days from now, they will have adjusted to The New Normal and speak in this odd new language.  "The Oracle has spoken.  Thy words truth.  Gather slaves.  War we make."

Life comes at you fast.  Whatever we would be hearing from the government normally would be taken with some skepticism, but as this current leadership group is incapable of speaking honestly, all bets are off.  I assume the truth is some sort of weird variance from whatever is being presented.  The combination of incompetence and pathological lying gives us facts through a funhouse mirror perspective.  Who knows what the hell is happening?  It's worth trying to make lemonade from these lemons.  This disorienting pause in our lives could be a benefit in disguise.

These weeks will be like an extended snow day without the snow.  As long as you don't let your mind wander into thinking "this is what it would be like if a neutron bomb hit", it could be nice re-set in our lives.  This is a good time to re-evaluate what is important.  I fully suspect people will emerge from this period of pause and gain the perspective to understand that their daily grind is largely an illusion of purpose.  Having this forced time to catch your breath and evaluate might not be all bad.  Well, unless you get enslaved by a war party of Lakewood Barbarians.  That would be bad.

Good luck in your bunker.  Enjoy your chicken.  See you soon.