Nurse the Hate: Thanksgiving Galaxy of Wagers

 

This is an unusual year where Thanksgiving traditions have been upended.  Normally I would be battling a combination of lack of sleep and slight beer hangover as I struggled to get a turkey stuffed after a late night drive back from a gig.  This is one of the first years in memory where I don't feel like I am on tape delay on Thanksgiving morning.  It's odd to be living this life of a normal citizen.  I'm getting softer while Charlie is out in the brush getting stronger.  I wonder if the meal will turn out better this year as I can likely focus on the task at hand instead of having those moments where I am standing dumbstruck trying to remember what it was that I was in the middle of doing.

I think Macy's is still doing their parade.  As these are "unprecedented times" (cue sad piano music), the parade route was made very small to limit the number of people crammed onto the streets.  I always enjoy seeing the D-List celebrities that are hired to MC the event, vainly trying to pump life into seeing a giant balloon or regional marching band.  As opposed to JJ Bullock or whatever is the current equivalent, I would love to see Leo handle the job.  There is NO chance he would review any notes beforehand, and instead just react to whatever it was he saw happen in front of him.  "Dude... that's a big fucking balloon... that looks like a fox... wait... is that a mouse... I don't know what the fuck it is but it's really fucking big... Oh!  Here comes some fucking marching band band playing "Fly Like An Eagle"... Did you know that I used to play that song with my brother Chris when we had a band called USA Rockers.  It was fucking awesome.  We played a show in my garage and lit off smoke bombs before we put the door up.  The whole neighborhood was there.  We had this song called "Space Cowboy", and... wait... what the fuck were we talking about?".  

I could watch that all day long.

This could be a year to start new traditions, but it probably won't be.  I have a gut feeling that despite whatever the CDC said about people not getting together, we are going to see a massive surge in covid because no one is going to pay attention to any of those warnings.  The airports were packed.  Look for a lot of funerals for grandmas and obese uncles in mid-December thanks to Cousin Mark bringing a nice helping of covid from Omaha.  What are you going to do?  These gatherings and rituals are the fragile bonds that hold this entire society together.  Hopefully everyone reading this has a Pod of Trust of people you can share a meal with in relative safety and keep some sense of continuity together.    

Thanksgiving traditions mean different things for different people.  For some people it is Mom's homemade pumpkin pie.  For others it is having the turkey drumstick.  Maybe it is playing in an ill-advised "Turkey Bowl" where men are faced with the reality of their own aging when they discover that they tore a hamstring jogging during the first play.  We all have our own lynch pin of what indicates "Thanksgiving".  For me, it is creating what Krusty so aptly termed "A Galaxy of Wagers" going on any and all televised sports.

Usually I like to get crazy and make a teaser across the three Pro games and maybe even tie in The Egg Bowl, the traditional Mississippi v Mississippi St game where I have little to no information on either team.  The problem is this year everything is getting cancelled because everyone has covid.  Look, I will probably have covid by Wednesday, so I better make this wager count.  I'm sure my health insurance sucks, so Papa needs some cash to cover his ventilator bill.  The way to make big money is on foolhardy parlay wagers.  Making these wagers even more foolhardy is that I will be forced to look for games to include out of my wheelhouse of knowledge.  Yes, college basketball is on today.  However, I'm thinking even bigger.  I am getting into Europa League soccer, matches that I have absolutely no information on whatsoever.

The Ravens v Pitt game is off the board.  Covid.  The Air Force game is off the board.  Covid.  Let's not let the pandemic beat us.  Let's get creative.  Let's make some money with this SURE THING parlay.  Soak this in.  Houston Texans money line over the Lions/Dallas Cowboys money line over Washington/Roma FC over CFR Cluj/BSC Young Boys over CSKA Sofia.  That pays at 7-1.  Look, they are GIVING money away on that one.   I researched this one to death, and let me tell you that you need to be VERY careful when doing a search for "Young Boys".  Turns out it is some Swiss team that is a bit of a juggernaut, though early search results brought back other disturbing results.  DO NOT do this on a work computer.  There will be a very uncomfortable Zoom meeting if you click on the wrong result.  

If you don't have the stomach to throw down on Europa League soccer, you're missing out, but I have another recommendation for you.  Go with the old fashioned teaser of Lions +9/Washington Dallas OVER 39/New Mexico Utah St OVER 44.  We are absolutely printing money over here.   Let's make a little more with a parlay of Houston v Lions OVER/Gonzaga/Arsenal.   Those football games might go south, so pony up for ESPN Plus and enjoy a new Thanksgiving tradition of screaming for the Young Boys.  It's a new age.  Embrace it.