Nurse the Hate: My Return To Campus

 

I have re-enrolled in college.  Allow me to explain.  I am still on my quest to achieve the title of MW, or Master of Wine.  Besides being almost impossible to accomplish, I like the idea of others needing to call me "master", like I am a 17th century slaver.  It would be good to employ a toadie of some kind who would always be sniveling at my side saying things like "Master... I have drawn you a bath...".  No one these days seems to have deformed small men living in their homes doing menial tasks like they did in the 1800s in Europe.  It really seems like the way to go.  I'd love to have a hunchback mow my lawn.  However, before I can make any of those dreams come true, I need to pass some impossible exams.

One of the things I have managed to conceal from the Governing Bodies of Wine rather cleverly is my almost complete lack of knowledge in how the wine making process actually works.  Sure, I can throw around some terms, but I don't know what they really mean.  I'm like a second rate sports talk host in that respect.  The radio host on 99.5FM The Fan or 101 The Blitz or whatever cliche bullshit moniker that station uses saying "The defense spends too much time in Cover 2 when they need to shore up inside pressure with The Mike" is not that different from me saying "you can tell they used a cool ferment temperature in stainless steel, probably with native yeasts".  I don't really know what the fuck I'm talking about, just like Bruno or The Mad Dog on Bleacher 102 doesn't either.  It is only a matter of time before I am exposed as a fraud.  This is why I have enrolled in the Enology program at Kent State Ashtabula.

My plan is to do a deep dive on wine making and fermentation chemistry.  This should be fairly challenging as the only reason I passed chemistry in high school was by blatantly cheating.  I never thought I would live to regret zoning out in chemistry as a 15 year old, but goddammit those chickens have come home to roost.  I don't know anything about chemistry.  So now this Winter/Spring I am all in on getting a grasp on fermentation, chemical faults, oxygenation influence, etc.  The fact that I can do so by going back to college is the icing on the cake.  This is where I need to make some hard decisions.

I really feel like I need to surrender myself to have "the true college experience".  I think I should live in on campus housing, get a roommate, and really get active in campus life.  I think we can all agree that any 18 year old freshman would be VERY excited to get paired up with a middle aged man like me as a roommate.  There might be some friction when I demand the lower bunk of our bunk bed as my frequent trips to the toilet in the middle of the night would increase my chance of breaking a hip when leaving the top bunk.  However, I am confident that the relative economic might that comes from a white collar full time job will help offset the sting of the bunk assignments.  Let's look at this thing logically.  Do you think my new roommate Malcom will be pissed about the top bunk when that is held up against a 75 inch TV, new leather couches, and the small touches made by our interior decorator?  As Malcom will surely agree, the accessories are the key to the room.  It's all about a point of comparison.  The guys across the hall will be trudging off to the cafeteria while Malcom and I will be waiting for our meals from Giovanni's via Uber Eats.  I think Malcom will get used to knocking back a few of my aged Bordeaux from the 90s while those stiffs across the hall are drinking Natty Light and playing video games.  I suspect Malcom and I will grow quite close.  With any luck, I will be able to make him my toadie.

I wonder if I should call Malcom's parents "Mr and Mrs Malcom" when I meet them or do I just announce myself with authority and offer a firm handshake to "Ted and Judy"?  "Hello Ted.  Nice to meet you.  Judy, you're even more lovely than your photo.  Ted, Malcom tells me you're in the Teeth Game.  You ever think of expanding your dental practice?  I'd love to sit down with you and talk to you about some geofencing options and targeted OTT video marketing techniques.  Malcom?  Why don't you pop over to the cellar and get us a nice Chablis while I bring Ted up to speed with this power point?  Ted, let's talk turkey.".  

Obviously I will get involved in student government.  My thought is to take the blueprint that was used at Kent State in the late 60s and immediately try to organize a student strike due to our incursion into Cambodia.  True, this "incursion" happened about 50 years ago, but is there really a time limit on student outrage from The Man?  I think for me to affect true change, I need to do so from the inside, so right after I'm done typing this I will "throw my hat in the ring" as student body president.  I feel like my fellow students will rally around me.  The key will be to blend in.

I need to head over to Hot Topic or The Mall or wherever it is "the kids" get their gear.  Do they still have The Gap?  Obviously, I look very youthful already.  All I need now is to dress a little more age appropriate for my new stage in life, that of a 19 year old college student.  Yes, this might be a bit of a culture shock at work when they see me in my "cool clothes", but I am only doing Zoom meetings, and rarely even wear pants at this point anyway.  Surely a backwards baseball cap and cool band t-shirt won't be that much of a stretch.  My workplace will adjust, especially after I sell Ted an advertising contract for his dental practice.  Another quick thought... This certainly makes me eligible as a walk on for the Kent football team.  I better get in touch with the Coach.  

It's an exciting time.