Nurse the Hate: Hate The Cleveland Guardians

 

Of course, the Cleveland Indians fucked up their name change.  From the moment the spooked ownership saw the winds of change blowing and feared being put in a national spotlight, they were "proactive" much in the same way a child is "proactive" running away from a barking neighborhood dog.  I had absolutely no doubt they would choose the most vanilla name possible, a name guaranteed not to excite fans or drive merchandise sales but instead to avoid even the possibility of any public relations problems.  This was not a progressive move forward from a liberal thinking organization.  It was a defensive move forged in fear.  

I'm sure there will be all sorts of accolades at the press conference for the resolute bravery of the team to change their identity.  That ignores the fact that the Dolans have owned the team for 21 years and annually try to sweep the name and mascot under the rug as they rack up some of the largest merchandise sales in the league with their smiling Wahoo.  Was it time for a new team name and image?  Yes.  It has been for decades.  I want to be clear.  I think they needed to change from the Indians after they bungled the previous PR and didn't just ditch the Wahoo and go to something sensible.  It was all in the timing.  There was no doubt how this was going to go.  When the owners felt they had no other alternative, they switched the team name.  Rather than see this as an opportunity, they saw this as a problem.  They would do whatever they had to in order to avoid any controversy.  This was always the primary objective.  

It is hard to imagine how an organization that knew they would need to fundamentally change their marketing for two decades came up with a team name, Guardians, that bears no solid attachment to the city whatsoever.  The Cleveland Guardians sounds like an arena football team.  It's the name of a team in a movie that didn't want to pay the NFL rights fees.  "Our schedule is murder coach!  Look at that schedule!  St. Louis Dragons, New York Dynamos, Miami Sun Kings and then the Cleveland Guardians!  We can never get to The Monster Bowl!".  It's a team name that a group of 12 year old boys come up with after school.  It's a team name you get when people that don't understand marketing get equal say with those that know what the fuck they are doing.

Oh, I get the sales pitch.  The city of Cleveland has adopted an identity of being "tough" and "resilient", (which I think you can successfully argue is really an identity of "losers" and "unable to change" but that is another topic).  However, the blind narrative is that Cleveland is a Rust Belt City that has dusted itself off time and time again from disappointment to stand battered to fight again.  Look at how tough we are!  That fighting spirit is what makes this city great!  This suggests that the people of NE Ohio somehow are made of stronger stuff than those damn losers in Shelbyville.  What the Indians did was take the last Browns marketing campaign, swapped out the football highlights for baseball, and pretended that they did something big.  It is rather ingenious in one respect.  To criticize the Guardians name suggests you are being dismissive of the character of Cleveland itself, and therefore a traitor.  The chosen name was the easiest defensive choice the team could have made.  It was also a failure of vision and a missed opportunity.  

The team name is the foundation of the brand.  There are plenty of dipshit 19 year old athletes that will talk about "their brand".  They don't know what the fuck they are talking about.  That is because as marketing is so invasive in our daily lives, everyone thinks they understand it and can command it.  Just because you have an iPhone, it doesn't mean you know how to effectively use that iPhone as a medium to accomplish your goals.  As someone with 30+ years marketing experience, I come in contact daily with people that are in the industry that have no idea whatsoever how it actually works.  

The team name and logo is the identity of the product, the driver of merchandise sales.  If consumers cannot feel enthusiastic about the logo, gear, and resulting attitude this projects, it will be an uphill battle for the team.  The team name should ideally have a unique link to the community.  It should also have an easily identifiable visual element to use as a mascot and logo base.  Dallas Cowboys.  Toronto Maple Leafs.  New England Patriots.  Miami Dolphins.  Pittsburgh Steelers.  It's not that hard until you realize that Cleveland doesn't have many differentiators from other regional cities other than Lake Erie and past history of baseball in Cleveland.  This is where the organization made their critical mistake.  They tried to invent a hook that just does not exist.  Guardians?  Of what?  What does a Guardian look like?  What history links "Guardians" to professional baseball in Ohio?  Wasn't there an adult in that room when the decision was made?

I kept reading how the team conducted focus group after focus group, and called in some local "tastemakers", none of which I had ever heard of and as far as I can tell are not Indians customers.  They then announced they had a list of over 1200 names in consideration.  One thousand two hundred (1200).  I challenge you to start writing names for the team and try to come up with a thousand.  You can even come up with names that a team would never use like The Cleveland Nazis or Cleveland Pedophiles and still not get to a thousand.  This gave the first indication that the team wasn't really searching for a name, but already setting the stage for the inoffensive vanilla name they would ultimately choose.  "Hey, we had 1200 possible names and this is what people liked best!"  Really?  Can I see that list and that data?  

This team name came from focus groups and sprawling corporate meetings with the goal of coming up with something The Public and The Media wouldn't give them shit about after the smoke cleared post announcement.  Nothing of creative quality has ever come from a committee.  The joke about bands is when the drummer starts to write songs you are in big trouble.  Hey, great news!  Lennon/McCartney have less songs on this record so Ringo could have a few!  "The Old Man And The Sea" was written by Hemingway, not "A Bunch Of Guys In Florida".   A group of random people sitting in a room are not going to say what they think is a good name for a team.  They are going to say what they think everyone else in that room thinks is a good name.  And here's the most important part...  None of those people understand the basic principles of marketing a team.  Who gives a fuck what they think?  When you get down to the final two names ask them, "Which one do you like?" in group and individual settings if you don't trust your judgement.

I am on record as saying if the Indians only wanted to avoid trouble while still selling merchandise, the way to go was the Cleveland Robots.   (See my earlier post in March where I correctly predicted Guardians:  https://nursethehate.blogspot.com/2021/03/nurse-hate-my-vision-for-new-cleveland.html?m=0 ).  This limp dick organization instead did what they always do, try to "not lose" while giving themselves a back door shot at maybe pulling out a limited win.  In a moment where creativity could have invigorated the city around a sputtering team with flagging payroll, instead they played it safe.  How very Indians.  I mean, you've seen the Dolans.  You think those folks are going to go balls-to-the-wall and grab for the brass ring?  They are the organization that never makes that trade the team needs to get over the top.  They DO NOT play to win.  They play to NOT LOSE.  It's why I stopped buying tickets and watching their games.  That boring Dolan guy comes out with a Robot costume with lasers shooting out his ass with hot chicks dancing to techno, I'm 100% down with the Cleveland Robots.  Instead a lifeless press conference and bored sounding Tom Hanks video voiceover are trying to convince everyone that the shitty Lorain Ave bridge is somehow iconic and rallying point for the city.  The Cleveland Guardians.  How utterly predictable.