Nurse the Hate: Vaccine Side Effect

 

There was no doubt about it.  The long awaited plague vaccine had a side effect.  It had started the first morning after the injection.  He had laid in bed, in those brief moments of taking stock and reminding himself of who he was and of his particular circumstance.  Even before he had placed himself home in bed on a Tuesday morning, it started.  “Ja-ja-ja jitterbug…. Ja-ja-ja jitterbug”. The song “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by Wham filled his head with perfect clarity and crisp volume.  He put on his pants, and struggled into a t-shirt to go downstairs to start his morning routine.  “Wake me up before you go-go!  Don’t leave me hanging on like a yo-yo!” blared in his head as he went down the stairs.  The triumphant horn section filled his ears as he poured water into the coffee machine.  He took out his box of Total (Now with MORE fiber!) as the song concluded.  He poured the cereal.  The satisfying sound of the flakes hitting the bowl became interrupted.  “Ja-ja-ja jitterbug!  Ja-ja-ja-Jitterbug!”  The song started over.

The song continued to cycle through his head.  The more he tried to stop thinking about it, the more it moved to the forefront of his mind.  He called his doctor’s office.  “We are experiencing an unusual call volume.  You have a wait time of (pause) seventeen minutes.”  He held the phone to his ear as the anonymous cool jazz of the hold music competed with the upbeat sounds of the Wham 1980s hit.  “Hello.  This is the Cleveland Clinic.  My name is Tonya.  How can I help you today?”  He began to try to explain the situation, which only confused Tonya.  “So sir… you keep listening to Wham?  Can’t you turn off your radio?”  Tonya!  It’s in my head!  I can’t make it stop!  It started after my vaccine dose!  “OK… what is your date of birth?”  He spent the next several minutes providing Tonya his full data.  “OK Sir… I am going to transfer you to your doctor’s at call station.  Please hold.”  Wake me up before you go-go, don’t leave me hanging on like a yo-yo…”

He waited for twelve minutes picturing the happy dancing members of Wham from the 1985 video dreading the song’s end as it would only result in “Ja-ja-ja jitterbug…. Ja-ja-ja jitterbug”.  Finally a new voice entered his phone.  “Hello this is the Cleveland Clinic internal nurse station of the Avon Medical Center and my name is Kathy how can I help you?”   It all sounded like one hurried sentence.  He began to explain again.  OK… I got the vaccine yesterday and I woke up this morning and Wham’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” keeps playing in my head.  “OK, and what is your birthday?”  He repeated all of his demographic data once again in excruciating detail to Kathy.  “And do you have a fever?”  This was when he began to break.  “Ja=ja-ja-jitterbug…”. No.  I have fucking Wham playing in my head!  “Sir!  Sir, there is no need for profanity.  I am trying to get your information so the doctor can help you.  Now…. Do you have any allergies to any medication?”  WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO GO DON’T LEAVE ME HANGING ON LIKE A YO-YO!  No Kathy… I don’t but I do have Wham playing relentlessly in my head and I think I’m losing my fucking mind thanks to that fucking vaccine!  “I understand sir.  Let me see if the doctor can get back to you via my chart email.  She is on rounds right now, but can probably get back to you by this time tomorrow.  Have you registered for my chart?  You’ll need to remember your PIN from when we set up your account in 1998 or you’ll have to reach the home office to delete your old account and set up a new one after transferring your old data to the new account via secure Dropbox.  Go to the patient resource center on the website and input your patient number and complete insurance information.”  Ja-ja-ja-jitterbug!  

He hung up the phone.  The horn section blared.  He tried to forget the song was repeating but the second he noticed that he had almost forgotten about it, it became prominent once again.  He spent the morning going from screen to screen on the doctor’s office website.  His laptop binged.  An email.  The doctor sent him an attached document from Phyzotec, the company that had been celebrated by hurriedly making a vaccine.  “It has come to our attention that a possible side effect of the first shot is that a very small percentage of patients (.003%) may experience a ringing sensation in their ears or the sensation of hearing British pop supergroup Wham for 14-21 days.  This will be replaced on the second dose for some patients with a slight rash or former Eagle member Glenn Frey’s “The Heat Is On” resonating in their ears for a minimum of 28-36 days.  It should be noted that this does not impact many of the positive effects of the vaccine in most patients.”

The doctor had penned a quick personal note.  “I have had a few patients with this side effect.  Nothing to worry about.  Most of them forget it is even there.  I am going to prescribe some Alloxicane for you, which will take the volume of the music in your head down a bit.  You’ll experience a pretty hefty amount of rectal bleeding for the first week, but it will help alleviate some of the volume.  If you find out that after the second shot you get “The Heat Is On” auditory infection, we will put you on a cocktail of drugs that has shown 20% effectiveness.  I see you are scheduled for the 6th to get the second injection, so let me know if you need that prescription the next morning.  Obviously if you miss that second injection appointment you’ll put yourself at risk for optical mucous syndrome and scalp warts, so make sure and keep in the 12 hour injection window.  Dr. Winstrom.”

He closed the email window.  “Ja-ja-ja Jitterbug!  Ja-ja-ja-Jitterbug!”  It would be a long three weeks but he figured if he could do Wham then the Glenn Frey phase was a breeze.  Plus a little heavy rectal bleeding wasn’t too bad since he was working from home and hadn’t seen another human being in a year anyway.  It was a New Age of Science.  Man had at last triumphed over nature.  He clicked on the Walgreens Pharmacy to get his Alloxicane prescription.  He clicked his way through to confirm the order for the drug.  A 14 page document loaded onto his screen.  “Have you read the drug information document and fully understand the contents and agree to waive all potential legal action against Phyzotec.”  WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO GO!  He clicked “yes” without reading the document.  Soon his alloxicane would arrive and his troubles would be over.  Ja-ja-ja jitterbug…. Ja-ja-ja-jitterbug.