Nurse the Hate: Florida Discussion and NFL Week 5

 

I have really missed scuba diving during this time of The Great Plague.  I want to see scary sea monsters up close.  Sure, I suppose I could have gone diving off Florida and had some disappointing dives off Key West on an overcrowded dive boat filled with Rubes.  I do not care for Florida in general as I don’t trust most Floridians.  I have a theory that just like a carton of orange juice, the silt of American society comes to rest at the bottom.  When you’ve run out of places to run away to, you settle down in the Florida Keys and hope no one finds you.  It’s Grifter Central down there, a community of tax dodgers, child support eluders, and white collar criminals living with purchased identities, yet they have somehow already been donned with new nicknames like “Spider” and “Fingers” by their new sociopath pals at whatever shitty tourist bar they patrol like hyenas.  It’s a region of the country where everyone is trying to steal your credit card number, your wallet, or your identity.   
 
Florida is a place where air conditioning is always blasting on you like the frozen food section of a Piggly Wiggly.  The restaurants all cater to tourists, serving them wildly overpriced seafood that somehow is never as fresh as it should be, or Italian food that seems like it might be a frozen Stouffers entrée.  Meanwhile the chance of your server bringing the correct order is almost none because they couldn’t hear the order you placed over the roar of the air conditioning that has effectively brought the temperature of your dining experience down to 58 degrees.  Chances are some Jimmy Buffet or Gloria Estefan music is also raining down on you.
 
Florida is place that exists for the Disney corporation to turn the population of middle America upside down and shake out their last nickel after building them up with relentless marketing for their entire lives that not taking their children to Disney is essentially parental abuse.  Families believe that this sterile corporate experience is a high point in their life, while it is just the ultimate misdirection, a colorful bauble swinging on a chain while Mickey picks their pocket.  It costs more money to go to Fake France at Disney than it does to go to real France, but then again the benefit is to not come in contact with anyone French that might shake their brainwashed notion that USA! USA! USA! Is #1.
 
So what use is Florida?  Ah, I’m glad you asked.  It exists to occasionally bet on the Miami Dolphins, a team that no one in Miami really cares about and the rest of the country thinks about only with a foggy memory of a film clip of Don Shula being carried off the field in the undefeated 1972 season.  Look, I’m not really sure who is on the Dolphins now.  I think Jacoby Brisset is playing QB, which likely gives them a better chance to win than Tua.  Is Mark Duper still a starter?  I don’t know.   I do know they are getting 10 points against Tampa, a team that has to be giving themselves an exhale of relief after a brutal week of hype and then the game vs New England in the pouring rain.  Tampa is about as high profile as you can get, winning after a Brady schmoozefest on the second highest rated Sunday night game of all time.  I had to look up who the Dolphins played, and it turned out they got smoked by the Colts.  Let’s buy low on Miami +10.
 
I am going with that same premise of buying low and selling high with San Francisco over Arizona.  I am as surprised as anyone by how well Arizona has been playing, and they are the last undefeated team left standing.   Arizona is splashy.  They’ve got the #1 offense, an ESPN highlight machine QB, and are scoring tons of points.  San Francisco is going to have to run out Lance at QB this week, and he isn’t ready.  I am choosing to look at this QB situation as a positive.  The 49ers will have to completely shift their offensive approach to play to Lance’s strengths, and that means Arizona has no tape on what’s coming.  I think Shanahan is a very good offensive coordinator (but maybe not a head coach).  San Francisco should get some big plays on gadgety bullshit and weird formation mixups.  The Niners are a good team with losses to an elite Packers team at the bitter end, and Seattle last week despite outplaying the Seahawks and losing Jimmy G during the game.  I think this line is too high, and I will take my chances with the points.  San Francisco +5.5
 
I am going to uncomfortably take the Browns this week.  Baker Mayfield isn’t right, his shoulder or whatever the fuck is going on with him making him unable to complete easy throws.  I listen to quite a few Xs and Os podcasts while walking the bassets during the week.  I heard a very compelling discussion about how this Browns team is a horrible matchup for the Chargers.  The Browns are the best rushing team.  The Chargers are #29 against the run.  Apparently, the Chargers need a couple monster defensive tackles to make their scheme work, and they don’t have them.  The Browns have no left tackle, which is bad news for a QB with a fucked up left shoulder, but I think they run Chubb between the tackles all day long.  This is one of those picks that makes me uncomfortable, so it must be pretty good.  I’ll wait and see if this goes to 3, but if it went off right now I’d take Cleveland +2.5.
 

Season Record:  6-7