Nurse the Hate: Restaurant Etiquette and NFL Week 9

 

Restaurants have been going though a very difficult period.  Forced closures or being limited to takeout service crushed operators that in many cases are clinging to month-to-month house of cards economic models.  This led to a complete shakeup of their workforce as people were forced (or enlightened) to take jobs in other business categories.  Now, shorthanded, they are trying their best to get back on their feet.  Service has become shaky, food can be uneven, and prices are high due to supply chain issues.  Yet, the worst part of any restaurant experience is without question limited to one main factor.  The other patrons.

Twice this week I have been eating the type of meal that can be best described as "refueling".  My expectations on the cuisine was low.  I was basically ordering "food pellets".  The first time I was seated next to a couple of women that can best be described as "stupid fucking hillbillies".  I know that sounds like a harsh description, but it is accurate.  I was eating by myself, and doing my best to ignore their conversation which was somewhere between "inane" and "stunted".  That's not their fault.  They are certainly welcome to come to any restaurant and talk about hillbilly shit while they waited to tuck into their food pellets.  It was when one of the women answered her phone and put it on speaker to allow a third hillbilly to broadcast to the entire restaurant that put it over the top.  

I am trying to figure out if the pandemic has increased people's idea that the entire world is a TV show where they are the primary character and everyone else is an extra.  There is a large chunk of the population that gives zero fucks about anyone else.  It never occurred to the two hillbilly women that perhaps everyone in a 50 foot radius might not want to listen to shaky audio of a recap of hillbilly #3's trip to Auto Zone.  I wished I had brought the band's practice PA in my car so I could have set it up in my booth and started playing a Butthole Surfers record pointed at the hillbillies.  "Oh, I'm sorry... You didn't want to listen to "Locust Abortion Technician" while you tucked into your pancakes?"

I paid my check and left without saying anything.  Not more than two days later I'm in a similar situation where two old men and one old woman shared a table.  The one guy's ringer on his phone went off at a volume equivalent to a car alarm.  He immediately put it on speaker and did that thing that senior citizens love, to yell into the phone to compensate for the distance of the caller.  I believe the logic goes "my son is in Florida, so as he is so far away, it is necessary that I speak 75% louder than I would if he were in Mayfield Hts where he normally calls me".  I was then treated to a 20 minute phone call that I can condense for you here.  

"HOW IS YOUR VACATION GOING SO FAR?  HOW IS THE WEATHER?  WHAT?  YOU'RE GOING TO PUT MY GRANDSON ON THE PHONE?   BILLY?  BILLY?  ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD VACATION?  WHAT?  YOU ARE?  OHHHH...  THAT'S GOOD.  HERE...  I'M GOING TO PASS THE PHONE TO UNCLE TED."  This repeated three times as the phone was passed around to each member of the table at a volume similar to a Candy Snatchers show in 1999.

At the end of the call, it dawned on the man that was facing me that perhaps they had been rude to everyone else in the restaurant.  This might have dawned on him because I was glaring at him like he had taken a shit on my bedroom floor.  It's hard to say really.  However, he then offered up a "Sorry.  We might have been a bit loud."  Now, the social contract we are all working under suggests that I needed to respond "Oh, that's OK. You were talking to your grandson.  Don't want to miss that call!".  That was not what I did.  My mood was impacted from a direct carry over from the two stupid fucking hillbillies earlier in the week.  I broke the social contract.  I said "Oh, that's OK.  It gave me a chance to eat dinner with your super interesting family, which is exactly what I was hoping to do tonight."  Afterwards I stared at him without any emotion.  I don't know if he picked up on the idea that the entire world was not his and we were all just decorations in it or not.  He's probably yelling into a speaker phone right now at a Shoney's.  This is just the world we live in now.  

I feel that we have turned the corner from "No one cares about anyone but themselves" to "No one even pretends to care about anyone but themselves.", which is in some ways refreshingly open.  This, in turn, allows others to openly call people out when they are acting like selfish assholes.  It's an evolution of society.  It is to be expected for things to evolve, but not everything at once.  I find comfort in holding onto things that are constant, like the feel of a warm autumn sun on your face as golden leaves crunch underfoot.  There is comfort in knowing that certain things can be counted on like the change of seasons, or Sam Darnold being terrible.

After the Carolina Panthers surged out to a 3-0 start, it appeared that Sam Darnold turned the corner with the fresh start of his new team.  All that was required was a little patience as Darnold has regressed back to the Sam Darnold we have always known.  This week the fading Panthers take on the Patriots, a team Sam last saw famously when he remarked "I'm seeing ghosts" when the Jets were pummeled by the Patriots shifting defensive schemes.  Now Darnold is coming off concussion protocol with a bum shoulder to face the same team that rendered him helpless.  Yes, I do believe I like New England -3.5 today.

I am going to submit to the idea that the Ravens are the second best team in the AFC.  Kansas City looks lost, the Browns look average at best, San Diego is "eh", and I don't buy in on Cincinnati.  That means the second best team in the AFC is coming off a bye to host a struggling Viking team and is only giving six.  If you take out 2.5 for Baltimore's home field advantage, this line says that on a neutral field that the second best team in the AFC is only 3.5 points better than the 3-4 Vikings?  Oh, and the Vikings have three players out on Covid?  I like Baltimore to do one of those "kick the crap out of the second rate team" beatings and easily cover a one score spread.  Baltimore -6

Season Record:  10-17