Jack's Car and NFL Week 3

 

When I was a little kid I lived on the outskirts of Philadelphia.  The early 1970s was, in many respects, one of the last gasps of identifiable culture while still stubbornly holding onto wildly outdated and stupid ideas.  While you might have had retro cool bell bottoms and fuzzy extended guitar solos, you also had backward facing station wagon seats, no seatbelts, and about 40% of adults chain smoking cigarettes in cars and airplanes.  All the clothes were ugly, the shoes were bad, food was shitty, and we had a VW Beetle.  It's one of those eras that if you lived in it, you can remember that it sounded more like Barbara Streisand and Mac Davis than Lynyrd Skynard for normal kids subjected to their Mom's radio station.  Maybe if you're in your forties you have a similar feeling about the 1990s.  Everyone will retroactively conjure up that everyone was into Nirvana in 1994, but for most people that time was all about Ace of Base and Mariah Carey.

Anyway, I was a little kid and I had a babysitter named Doreen.  She had a boyfriend named Jack who had a pony tail and mustache.  I thought he looked like he was an adult in his 20s, but he was probably 17.  Who the fuck knows.  They were both pretty nice, and they would play with me until putting me to bed slightly past when I was supposed to go, likely their way of showing me they weren't beholden to "The Man".  Of course in this case "The Man" was my housewife mother and her paper salesperson husband who were not that much older than those two, but I appreciate the gesture in "fighting the power".  I assume Jack came over in the hopes that Doreen would play with his dick on our couch after I went to sleep.  I didn't know that then, but no hard feelings now Jack. 

Jack had some domestic atrocity of a car, one of the sea of horrific looking automobiles available to an underemployed young man at that time.  It was like a used Oldsmobile or Dodge Duster and it smelled like cigarettes and burned plastic.  I remember sitting in the back seat when Doreen and Jack took me to the mall and I just slid across the plastic interior whenever we made a turn.  It's not like anyone thought about seatbelts.  Doreen was wearing a scarf on her head in that hippie style with hip hugging jeans.  Jack had one of those cowboy flannel pattern shirts on that Bob Weir lived in for most of the 70s.  I got some kudos because I correctly identified "American Pie" on the radio as "the Chevy to the levee song" despite having no idea what a "levee" was.  They made me ride one of those little trains in the mall courtyard and I wanted no part of it.  I was really concerned about looking uncool, which is odd considering I was probably six years old and wearing a polyester shirt with a grape Kool-Aid stain on it.  Yet, I remember being embarrassed being on the train.   

I might be merging that day with another day in my head, but when we got back to the house some young guy came up the driveway.  I recognized him as the legendary "Keith Kunick", an older high school kid that had totaled an astounding number of cars either because he couldn't drive or was always super fucked up and consequently couldn't drive.  He was a bit of a celebrity to us younger kids as he was viewed like a local Evel Kneivel in how often he had miraculously escaped serious harm despite the mangled cars in his parent's driveway.  There were multiple fucked up cars on the driveway, and in retrospect the Kunicks were probably hillbillies that just couldn't bear the idea of junking out Keith's various mishaps.  Super impressive to a six year old though.  It was sort of like having a TV actor come strolling up your driveway.  I played it cool, and by "played it cool" I mean stood there silently staring like a psychopath.  

Keith had come to see if he could borrow Jack's car.  It blew my mind that Jack knew Keith as worlds collided.  Doreen was not in favor of this idea as Keith was clearly a fuck-up, and she strongly advised Jack against turning over his keys right in front of Keith, but Jack seemed to be swayed by Keith's rock solid argument of "C'mon man!  It's just for an hour.".  As I think about it now, Jack was obviously concerned about the youth culture idea of being anti-materialism and seeming like he wasn't part of the counterculture, but he also knew the risk in giving your keys to Keith Kunick.  Doreen went off in a huff when Jack gave Keith his keys, and then I went back to doing whatever a little kid does.  I got sent off to bed after my traditional dinner of an Armor Hot Dog (I got into this rut of only eating that for about a year) as the sun started to set.  There was tension between those two as I went upstairs as Keith was still AWOL and it was well past the agreed upon hour.  

When I woke up in the morning my babysitting team was gone.  I couldn't have cared less about how the drama had turned out.  I was six.  It was a normal morning of Lucky Charms, cartoons, and my Mom smoking cigarettes in the kitchen.  Later that day I was in my Mom's VW sitting up front as she drove us to do some errand.  We passed the Kunick's house.  In the front yard was Jack's car.  The entire front of the car had been bent like an accordian.  This was undeniable testimony that someone (Keith) had been driving this car too fast and too recklessly.  Fucking Keith Kunick had done it again.  I wish I could track down the principals of this story to find out if my memory is correct and what the outcome was, but my gut instinct is that Keith is long dead.  I don't know Doreen or Jack's last name and there isn't anyone around to ask what it might be.  The one thing I did learn was you need to trust your gut when a Keith Kunick comes over talking shit.

I've heard a lot of shit talk this week about how the Chargers may go 0-9 to start the season.  Refresh my memory, but weren't America's pundits focused on how the Chargers were going to be a playoff team this year two weeks ago?  I get that maybe emotions were running hot on the Chargers from being some sort of sleeper AFC champ, but 0-9?  This seems like a perfect flat spot for Buffalo, a team that loves to play down to the level of their competition.  I am going to use the Chargers in a teaser leg to take.them to +13.5.  I am not on board with the idea of the Bills defense being "all that".  Let's be honest, the Chargers need a monster effort this week.  In the NFL, teams are never as good or bad as they seem.  Gimme the Chargers with a ton of points.  No one believes the Chargers will ever win again.  Now is the time to buy.

Speaking of "buy low" teams, let's talk Pittsburgh.  It's been a week of talking how terrible Aaron Rodgers looks.  Look, I agree.  The guy looks like how I would imagine I would look out there despite the fact he's a world class athlete and I hurt myself on my coffee table.  He's got that "Johnny Unitas as a Charger" look to him only old guys like myself can fully appreciate.  Here's my thinking...  Divisional games with a home underdog are always worth a look.  Pittsburgh has an elite defense.  They also can't score and presumably won't score a bunch this Sunday.  Points will be at a premium.  I'll take the under 48.5 in a teaser leg.  The only way I get smoked here is defensive or special teams touchdowns.

I am taking Seattle over Washington.  The Commanders must be bummed as Daniels is obviously very talented but he's also a skinny brittle dude.  Marcus Mariota is... well... he's 2026 Marcus Mariota.  Mariota is 3-10 in his last 13 starts.  I cannot fathom a world in which Marcus Mariota defeats the Seahawks defense.  If Mariota is going to win games, it will be against teams like the Giants, Falcons and Cardinals.  He ain't beating the Seahawks.  Let's tease this down to Seattle -1.5.

Combine all these into combinations:  Chargers +13.5/Pittsburgh Under 48.5/Seattle -1.5  

I think the Jags are good and the Patriots might have that Super Bowl hangover.  New England had maybe the most favorable schedule and playoff setup in modern NFL history.  Drake Maye looks like he's taken a step back.  Vrabel can't be unaffected by the ditzy NFL reporter affair going public.  AJ Brown was supposed to be the fix on the receiving corps.  I'm out on these guys on big road games.  They seem like they are going to be one of those 9-8 sort of teams fighting to get into the playoffs around Xmas.  The Jags seem legit to me.  Give me Jacksonville at home in some sweaty ass Panhandle weather.  Patriots are injured and in a bad spot.  If the Patriots are going to lose 8 games, this is one of them.  Jacksonville -2.5 

Philadelphia is one of these teams where EVERYONE is pissed off after the game.  Eagle fans, despite winning the game, are motherfucking the players and coaches because the team seems to be underperforming despite winning.  The fans that just watched their team lose to the Eagles is pissed because they lost but it seemed like they maybe should have won.  News flash... Winning ugly is still winning.  The Bears are either starting Case Keenum who hasn't played a game in two years or the guy from the Mining college that has a concussion.  You ain't beating the Eagles with that.  Chicago has too much major media market smoke being blown around.  I'll take the good team that is healthy.  Philadelphia -3.5. 

Season Record:  2-3