Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Nurse the Hate: Hate Thanksgiving?

Thanksgiving might have become my favorite holiday of the year. Christmas has become nothing but a hassle, and a personal economic castration every December. Halloween, an old favorite of mine, has certainly lost a lot of its luster as I can’t recall the last really good Halloween party I have actually attended. What does that leave? 4th of July? Getting loaded and setting off deadly explosives is certainly great fun, but someone always seems to go home with a nasty third degree burn, or the loss of an eye. New Year’s Eve? That’s almost always a bust. Unless you have THE BEST TIME EVER, it’s considered a failure. Plus, I hate getting hosed by bars and restaurants that give you the same basic service they always do, but add a horrific bottle of “champagne” (usually a half bottle of some cut rate Spanish cava, or the dregs of Italy’s prosecco export). Example: If a steak house normally charges $50 for a dinner with appetizer/entrée/dessert, why do I have to pay $125 for the same thing but with that shitty bottle of sparkling wine on New Year’s Eve?

That leaves Thanksgiving…

Thanksgiving really has it all. 1) There is no religious overtone dropped onto it by our various churches to shuttle the population into houses of worship for a collection basket shake down. 2) You don’t have to buy gifts for relatives you barely know, co workers you can barely tolerate, or creeps like the garbage man/postal carrier/newspaper carrier/etc, etc, etc…3) People get together, relax, and have a nice meal together. 4) Twelve hours of televised football to gamble wildly on! (And I was on all the chalk, so it was a big, big day in the Miller household.)

But let’s not lose the true spirit of Thanksgiving as a moment to reflect on our bounty and good fortune. With that in mind, here are a few things I am thankful for.

I am thankful I am not Hugh Hefner. Twenty years ago, you would be justified in punching me in the face for making that statement. Now? C’mon…They cart that old man out to all these Hollywood clubs and parties while he pretends to be banging all the girls in his entourage. Even the most casual observer knows he would rather be home watching “Dancing With the Stars” and having a chamomile tea with butter cookies. Instead in his “golden years”, he has to continue to create the legacy of The Playboy Brand. Enough already! Let the man rest! I’ll bet he hasn’t had an erection since the Giants won the Super Bowl.

I am thankful I am not part of today’s rap/hip hop culture. I think the toughest thing about being a rapper is trying to figure out what to do with your hands in the video. And what about those guys that only contribute the “yeahs” and “whoas”? Those guys aren’t just leeching off their neighborhood lifelong friend and slowly (but surely) sucking him back down to the socio-economic status they all came from. No, they have to figure out what to do during the entire video. (Sidenote: Imagine the rapper watching the final cut of his video, and only then finally noticing “his boyz” just stand around and run up his Cristal bill. “What am I paying these motherfuckers for? These clown ass bitches are just dancing around behind me yelling out “Yeah!” once in awhile. I gotta get these motherfuckers out of my house today!”)

I am thankful my Turkey Day feast did not include green bean casserole, canned cranberry sauce, or ambrosia. That stuff all sucks, but always finds its way onto the buffet table. Not in my house. Not this year.

Random Notes: The Browns look like a gimme this week facing a horrible Arizona Cardinal team and getting 2 points. With the basic NFL logic though, bet the Cards. Hell, last week I bet the 49ers, and they are barely a professional football team...Also, it seems inevitable Oklahoma will do their part and beat Missouri in the Big 12 championship game. Ohio State guy is pressing his dockers, icing down his Michelob Ultra, and desperately trying to hedge on his Rose Bowl hotel reservations right now. Oklahoma -3, why not?...The Pack at +250 vs Dallas on the money line is a pretty interesting little wager...I think there will be a lot of action on the Skins to win "an emotional" game vs Buffalo Sunday. Frankly, if someone I worked with got shot and killed during a two week vacation, I don't know if that would translate into more production from me. Football can be a game of emotions, but everyone remembers when teams come through and not when they don't. Example: Couple years ago, Tony Dungy's kid dies, and the Colts still lost in the playoffs. The AFC is soooo much better than the NFC, I'd get on the Bills if the line moves to 7. The Bills may not win, but they can hang around.


At November 30, 2007 at 11:39:00 AM EST , Blogger brandonio said...

I love reading your posts ,you fuckin' crack me up dude . keep up the good work.The hip-hop analogy was dead on,and the music sucks to boot.As for the Hef comment, he can at least put his face it or better yet watch.


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