Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Nurse the Hate: Hate Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving can make me feel a real sense of melancholy with some of the empty chairs around me. It feels wrong to not have certain people at the table. However, isn’t it really about having the glass half full? Isn’t it really about focusing in on all the positives on what is clearly the best American holiday? All you really have to do on Thanksgiving is hang out, drink, eat, and watch football. There is football from Noon until 11pm, and with three of the four games projecting to be pretty good, there is some serious wagering to be done.

Each year Krusty and I put together what we refer to as a “galaxy of wagers” on Thanksgiving. The key is to have so much action going you are not even clear if you are finishing out ahead as you sit there in a stupor. My personal favorite is the three team NFL teaser, a bet that looks like a sure thing, but is almost impossible to win. This year I will be taking Detroit +12.5/Dallas -1/San Francisco +9. I will lose this bet, and I deserve to do so. It is a Sucker Bet made only by degenerates and lowlifes. Still, it pays out at $360 for $200, so you’d be crazy not to play it, no? (Note, this is the sign of a degenerate.)

I called Krusty for the word on the big Texas v Texas A&M game. He contends that 7.5 is too many points to give in the last game of this 100 year + rivalry. So if you are going to take Texas +7.5 you pretty much also have to take the Dallas Cowboys -7. These are two bets that go together, like cowboy hats and concealed weapons. Like border patrols and aviator sunglasses. Like Roky Erickson and Junior Brown. Like Houston and breast implants.

I am going to take Detroit +6.5. Not because I think they will win. Not because I think they will hang close. Not because I like the city, because I don't. I hate Eminem, Motown, the Insane Clown Posse, Kid Rock, Bob Seger, and the Detroit Tigers/Red Wings. Is it because I actually like the Lions? No, it's because this is the first time the Lions have actually been interesting since football was broadcast in HD. I really want to root for the Lions, and I will be pretty focused with some jack on the line.

If you are in this deep, you should go all the way. Take San Francisco +3. They have a good D and the Ravens have the scent of a loser on them. Want to really get after it? How about "longest TD of the game under 53.5 yards in the GB/Det game"? I also like Aaron Rogers OVER 24.5 completions in the game. How about Charles Woodson intercepting a pass at +300? He'll have to be on Johnson and you know they'll try to force it in there. Why not? Take the Lions to WIN the toss. And while you're at it, why not Ndamukong Suh OVER 3.5 tackles?

The point is to be slightly confused after each play if something that just happened was good or bad for you financially. Isn't that really what the holidays are all about?


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