Monday, May 20, 2013

Nurse the Hate: The BP Issue

I had a bad experience getting gas at BP.  I felt I had to reach out to BP CEO Robert "Bob" Dudley to see if he could fix this thing for me.  I think I am being very reasonable.  It went out in today's mail.  I imagine the issue should be solved by mid-June...


May 27, 2013

Bob Dudley
Group Chief Executive
501 Westlake Park Blvd.
Houston TX 77079 

Dear Bob,

  I don’t often take the time to write letters to heads on giant corporations.  Frankly I wonder if you will receive this correspondence at all, as I am sure you have a team of lackeys under the whip to make sure 99.5% of items like this are weeded out before staining your desk.  Still, I felt the need to reach out.  I see that you went to the University of Illinois, where I have always had a good time and met people of great character.  Granted, I’m fairly certain that the people I rub elbows with like The Enabler, Chopper, and Sasha may run out of your social circles.  You never know though.  Perhaps you had occasion to attend a show at Mabel’s where The Cowslingers played with Southern Culture on the Skids?  If so, do you remember that guy that barfed all over the stairs?  I feel confident that young man won’t mix tequila and whiskey ever again.  With your chemistry background, maybe you know exactly what kind of reaction that causes and why.  All I know is that it is never good.  But, I digress…

  The reason I am writing is to bring to your attention these damn TVs attached to your gas pumps here in the Midwest.  Look, I’ll be frank with you.  I’m not that wild about that company of yours.  I feel like you slithered out of that Gulf Oil Spill for pennies on the dollar.  I’m sure you guys in the corner offices slapped some high fives on how that turned out.  I would have thought some angry Cajun shrimpers would have figured out where you guys are holed up and gone Swamp Justice on you by now.  But as I am sure that high paid PR agency told you, the public has a short memory.  Tangle the issue up in confusing misinformation that makes the narrative difficult to bang out in a 90 second news story, and you are home free.  Kudos.

  While the destruction of one of our greatest natural resources was regrettable, I just can’t stand any longer these TVs you have mounted on the gas pumps.  Do you really think I need to hear three day old entertainment “stories” blasted at me at roughly the volume of a fucking Motorhead concert while I am gassing up on your overpriced petrol?   Throw into the mix that the content loop is so short it cycles through twice by the time I gas up the car, and it’s a real drag.  What’s that all about Bob?  I know the guys in marketing are probably jacked up about this new revenue stream, but nobody is going to commit big dollars to those ads.  I know it doesn’t want to make me go inside your convenient stores and buy a $3.00 Diet Coke or a pack of smokes.  It makes me want to get the hell out of there as fast as possible.  Why are you doing this to me?  Because you can?  It’s cruel Bob, just plain cruel…

  I could make some wild consumer threat about a boycott that will bring the company to its knees.  You and I know I can’t make that happen.  What am I going to do?  Not buy gas?  I will try to go to Shell or Marathon whenever possible though.  Speedway has that beer cave which is a real plus too.  I’m really just asking you, man to man, to please get rid of those things.  I’m shelling out a kazillion dollars at your pumps.  Why do you have to shove that crappy TV programming up my ass while I’m handing you all my money?  Have you ever gassed up in twenty five degrees with Maria Menounos screaming at you about what one of those Kardashian gals is wearing?  It’s no picnic Bob, it’s no picnic.  I don’t imagine a guy like you pulling down a cool $10 mill is filling up and hustling inside the station to buy a Chunky and a Mt. Dew.  How can you relate?  That’s why I’m reaching out. 

  Let me know where you guys are on this thing.  Hopefully you have some flexibility and we can work through this issue. 

   Go Illini!

   Greg Miller



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