Nurse the Hate: The Match.com Story

A guy I know is a divorcee in his early 50s.  He is not a particularly attractive man.  He is not a wealthy man.  He is just one of the nameless guys wandering around in Home Depots and Applebee's that blend into the fabric of daily life.  Since his divorce, well over a decade ago, he has refined his ability to find female companionship on Match.com down to a science.  As a not particularly attractive man, he rarely finds women that reach out to him unsolicited.  Instead, he has spent the years sifting through the human wreckage online, trading stability and lack of personality defects for physical attractiveness, youth, and a certain sexual proclivity.  I have consistently been surprised by the women I have seen in his company until I hear some of the horrifying back stories.  Adults weeping telling him about foster parents putting out cigarettes on their labia, horrendous mental abuse, and serial dysfunctional relationships.  It's really brutal.  I have to hand it to him, my tolerance for this sort of baggage is much less than his.  Once the jar breaks, it's not easy to reassemble.  Still, he keeps at it, with the fading hope of finding a kindred spirit in the chaos.

Last week I saw him at a social occasion with his latest girlfriend. She was cute, and somewhat age appropriate for him.  This is sort of shocking as I have seen a steady parade of Eastern European women hoping for some magic from an American with deep pockets.  We spoke for a few minutes, and she appeared to be together.  This was odd.  I congratulated him for meeting this woman who he really seemed to be enthusiastic about.  He grinned and thanked me, taking a big pull off his Jack and Coke.  That may have been his last blissful moment in the company of this woman.

He had made the big effort with this one.  Flowers when he picked her up.  Cooking for her at his home.  Taking it slow.  After a few dates, they were making out on the couch.  Tonight would be the night they "sealed the deal" as he said.  They were entwined on the couch.  He broke from the embrace to ask, "Do you want to go upstairs?".  She seemed eager, but stopped herself and said "OK.  But there's something I have to tell you first."

In the history of male/female interaction, there has never been a good conversation that started out with, "There's something I have to tell you..."  The news you are about to receive is always awful.  It's just a question of the degree.  You have to brace yourself for impact and let it wallop you square in the jaw.  I see.  There is something you have to tell me.  Well, let me button my pants back up, make us some tea, and let's get comfortable.  I was hoping to make love to you, but this horrible revelation will be a much better night cap.  Let us enjoy it together...

In this case she began as follows... "Well, as you know I just got out of this five year relationship.  Before that was my divorce.  Well, between the two of those things, I went a little crazy."  So the guy thinks "OK.  She went a little crazy.  I can understand that. She is totally cool.  We like the same music and movies.."

She continued with the confession.  "My therapist said I need to be more open and honest with people.  So I want you to know that between my divorce and my last relationship, I fell in with this guy that introduced me into the swinging scene, and I... well... I liked it.  He would create these, um, scenarios for me, and I, ah... would do them."  The guy straightened himself up on the couch.  So... What do you mean by "scenarios" exactly?

"Well, I would get a phone call and he would give me an address and a name.  And I would go to an office building and ask for the name he gave me.  Let's say it was Tom Smith.  I would go to the receptionist, and ask for Tom Smith.  Then a man I had never seen would come down to the front desk, and take me to a conference room somewhere in the office and fuck me on the conference table.  Then without another word, he would lead me out of the office."

Hmm... OK... OK... I haven't been a choir boy.  I mean, so she went through this phase.  She is still really fun, and pretty cool.  I guess I could see how she could have done that.  She was confused.  It was a weird time in her life.  I think I understand...

"And I just need to be really honest with you.  I started to really like the anonymous sex.  After I stopped seeing the swinger guy, I started to be an escort.  I don't even know how it happened really.  I didn't need the money or anything.  I had all that money after my divorce.  I just did it.  It wasn't for money.  I just gave the money away really.  Well...  I just need you to know I was with men for money.  I have probably been with over a thousand guys."

Bam.

I don't care how forgiving or liberal you are, that's a lot to take on.  Your girlfriend has had intercourse with every man at a typical Division III college.  Think of a very small town.  She has been with every man in that municipality.  That's a tough break when you really like her and envision her as something she isn't.  Your mind has already assumed that since she is the same as you in her taste in entertainment, restaurants, humor, sports, etc, it must follow through on values and past behavior.  Cleveland is a relatively populous place, but when you are talking about 1000 men, you are going to run into ex-clients at some point.  Hey Cindy?  How is it you know Dwight over here?  "Oh, we worked together..."

I don't know what happened next.  I'm sure there was some uncomfortable quiet time as everything was absorbed.  The question to me was it after he had intercourse with her anyway, or was it post coital regret while staring at the ceiling in his bedroom?  Between you and me, I am betting on the latter.  Either way, you know what he was thinking about.  Maybe it was "lovely".  I don't know.  Still, there was definitely awkward goodbyes and non-committal promises of a phone call in the future.

He laid the story on me yesterday.  He was trying to figure out what he was going to do.  I am a firm believer in your actions in the past made you what you are today.  If you didn't take a particular path, you wouldn't have become the person that you found so attractive in the first place.  Scars and triumphs have all combined to make the imperfect person that you find so compelling and ultimately perfect for you.  Still, a thousand?  Damn...