Sunday, December 20, 2015

Nurse the Hate: Hate the NFL 2015 Week 15

I have spent the last three days subsisting on meatballs, cheese, crackers, and celery sticks that I have foraged like a goddamn raccoon at holiday parties.  If I don't get some real food in me soon, my body will completely shut down.  The situation is not getting any better.  Today I have the unfortunate circumstance to have to attend the Cavs 330p game against the 76ers, a basketball team that is more conceptual than in actuality a qualified opponent.  The Cavs will have this game wrapped up 37 seconds after tipoff.  I'm in for the full ride though.  Thus, I will be in an NBA arena at dinner time, a place that offers nothing of any nutritional value unless your stance on microwaved pizza is different than mine.  There are seagulls and pigeons that will have a better dinner than I will tonight.  This may very well be my last post.

With the specter of my demise being right around the corner, I am going to be unusually aggressive wagering on NFL Football today.  In one fell swoop I will pay for all of the holiday gifts I have irresponsibly put on my credit card.  Or... In one fell swoop I will put my "estate" in a very compromising position to have to pay off an army of creditors that will descend on my memorial service like jackals.  Either way I feel it is a win for me, so I am really getting after it today.  When I slump over in my padded chair into my "nacho sombrero" I will at least feel the satisfaction of picking a string of winners in the NFL.  It's the little things.

I am getting all over the Green Bay Packers today.  This is not only because the Packers have decided to run 270 pound completely out-of-shape Eddie Lacey down everyone's throats and not have Aaron Rodgers attempt to throw 76 passes to ineffective third-string receivers.  As it is December and everyone that plays football for a living is injured, no one wants to tackle a 270 pound guy with a head full of steam.  The public opinion has once again swung over to the Raiders after their win at Denver last week.  Look, I watched that game.  That motherfucker Demarius Thomas singlehandedly destroyed my fantasy football playoff chances when he allowed three passes to bounce off his chest.  Fuck that guy.  I don't even know if I spelled his name correctly, and I'm not looking it up either as "Demarius" isn't even a real name.  THERE IS NO CORRECT SPELLING.  He should spell it like that fucked up symbol Prince used for his name.  It would be the same as "Demarius".  It would look great on the back of a jersey too.

I'm sorry.  As you can see, I harbor some ill will there.  Mr. Thomas is probably a fine human being.  I'm just a little upset at his productivity, or lack there of.  He lost that game for the Broncos.  The Raiders didn't win that game.  The Raiders have tricked The People before, and I think they will again today.  Just like earlier this season, they will get handled and The Public will say "Wow!  Can you believe how bad the Raiders looked?".  I am confident in the Green Bay Packers -3.5.  They are a team going in the right direction here at the end.

The Minnesota Vikings are right in the middle of the NFC Playoff picture.  I find this odd in that I haven't actually seen a single Vikings game this season.  I think I saw a highlight or two, but I don't know if those weren't from a previous season.  It might have been a 1978 clip of Chuck Foreman running up the middle for a touchdown against the Falcons, another team I am not sure actually exists.  I get a lot of channels on Direct TV.  Who knows what the hell I was watching.  That brings up the concept of it being difficult to bet on a team that might not be real.  Meanwhile I know the Bears are real.  I go to Chicago every year in the Fall.  Every single year Bears fans are pretty sure they are going to the Super Bowl despite not having any good players.  It's perplexing.  Especially since the Bears reliably go 6-10.

I like to bet on 6-10 teams with points that are in major metropolitan areas.  The media in those cities freaks the hell out when the team turns out to be 6-10 and not 10-6 like they somehow talked themselves into thinking they would finish.  All day, every day degenerate gamblers like myself are fed hyperbole about how the sky is falling, the Bears will never win, and then callers second that notion in on air rants on sports talk.  "Hi this is Mike from Glenview.  Long time listener, first time caller.  I totally agree with what you said about killing Jay Cutler, destroying Soldier Field and having the Halas family drawn and quartered as an offering to The Gods.  But don't you think if we get an impact pass rusher in the draft, we could win the Super Bowl next year?  I'll hang up and listen."

The Bears will probably lose today.  They just won't lose by more than five and a half.  I meant to look at some stats about the Vikings offense, but I'm feeling a little lazy with all those meatballs and cheese hunks slowly dissolving in my intestines.  I'm thinking that they score about 13 points a game which is why I never see any highlights of their games.  The Bears are a team that is really good at hanging around with other teams and then losing at the end.  Robbie Gould used to hit field goals with stunning frequency.  He will probably do that again.  Give me the Chicago Bears +5.5.    



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