Thursday, July 28, 2016

Nurse the Hate: Hate the NCAA II

July 28, 2016

Mark Emmert
NCAA Eligibility Center
PO Box 7110
Indianapolis IN  46207

Dear Mr. Emmert,

  As per my previous letter from May 20th, I am attempting to live my dream of becoming an NCAA Division I punt returner for a powerhouse football program.  I am quite disappointed not to have heard back from the NCAA.  I was hoping your organization would be more careful with my dreams.  I could really use some help here.  As I outlined earlier, the NCAA has mistakenly placed a bureaucratic hurdle in front of me which prevents me from having the necessary eligibility to participate in football.  I did graduate from Kent State University well over two decades ago but did not play any sport while a student.  In what must be some sort of oversight, I will not be allowed as per your existing rules to play as an NCAA athlete.  I’m sure you agree sir that this is folly!  Just because I hit the books in the last millennium, it should not prevent me from dazzling fans on the gridiron in this millennium. 

 My masterplan at the moment is as follows…  Step one:  Attract interest from a major football program (check!).  Step two:  Arrive on campus, dominate on the field, and get a catchy nickname like “G Money”.  Step three:  Join a fraternity and build lifelong friendships and valuable future business contacts.  Party like crazy.  Mark, as we both know, there is life after football.  Step four:  Win the National Championship by utilizing my deceptive speed and mongoose like agility on a backbreaking 4th quarter punt return on national television.  Step five:  Leverage my newfound fame in town by fronting a car dealership, appearing at booster dinners, and standing around the sidelines of varsity games.  I’m thinking about high pay/low effort for my Golden Years.  My agenda?  Cigars, bourbon and back slaps.

  This is the American Dream my friend.  All I need is for you to say the magic words and I can get on the field and do the rest.  Just think of the pride you will quietly feel as I scamper down the sideline to win the NCAA title game.  I can see it now.  “Wow, that middle aged man sure can run!  And I made his dream possible with the flick of a pen…  Mark, sometimes this job is quite rewarding!  I did a good thing there.” is what you will be saying to yourself.  Let me say this…  I envy both of us right now.  We’ve got some future to look forward to over the next four years of my electric football career.   Let’s make history together.

  Give me call with any questions or concerns.   I’d like to get this turned around ASAP.  I can’t wait to get on the field!

Thanks again!

Greg Miller


At August 8, 2016 at 5:06:00 AM EDT , Blogger AZ said...

Any chance to go Big 12? Perhaps, a Longhorns reunion?


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