Friday, November 18, 2016

Nurse the Hate: The Last Journey of The Sock

I went to see my physician this week.  Unwisely I had knocked back an espresso earlier that defied the general sizing limits of such drinks.  Whereas most people order a double espresso, I am fairly certain that the espresso I had was an “octo”.  The people that made it for me were dressed in hazmat suits and carried the drink to me with metal tongs as if it was nuclear material.  It jacked me up to the point where ingesting that alone was reason enough for the visit to the medical facility despite my visit there being for an unrelated malady. 

When I checked in to the doctor’s office a little helper guy weighed me and took my blood pressure.  I think he probably has a title more specific than “little helper guy” but I don’t know what that is.  The reason I remark on it is that I am fairly certain he was not a nurse or physician’s assistant.  If he was, my blood pressure reading was high enough that he should have forced me into immediate emergency treatment.  He did blink while looking at the reading and say “Umm…  Usually when we see a number that high the person is on a gurney in the ER…”  Really?  Huh.  Well, I feel pretty good all things considered.  I just had 47 oz. of dark espresso though… Maybe that’s why it is so high?  “Oh.  Well that probably explains it.  The doctor will be in shortly.”  Then he left.  I would think that someone invested in my well being would have been more concerned that my blood pressure was such that I should have been in cardiac arrest.  Hence, I use the term “helper guy” not “nurse”.

I am not going to allow that to concern me in any way whatsoever.  I remember one time when my roommate and I were driving home from a PiL concert in his Chevy Citation unfortunately known as “The Sock”.  The car was known as “The Sock” as the interior smelled just like an old used gym sock stuffed in a hamper.  That car must have been in a flood, dried out, and sold straight off to my roommate.  It really reeked in there, but that was really the least of the car’s issues as it would turn out.

One place you don’t want to be at 215am is with a gut full of suds on I-77 when the “check engine” light and then the “oil” light flip on without warning.  While most owner’s manuals strongly suggest to immediately pull the car over and assess the situation, we did the exact opposite.  The last thing we needed was a curious cop wondering what two intoxicated guys in their twenties were doing standing around a car that smelled like discarded gym bag at 2:00 am.  We just kept driving despite the warning signs.  Everything was going great until the car made a small lurch and then the entire dash lit up like a fireworks display.  We coasted to the side of the road and abandoned the vehicle.  The next day we discovered the “engine seized”.  We then did the only sensible thing.  We unscrewed the license plates and drove away in our recovery vehicle.  That car was there for about six weeks until it was mercifully towed away by I assume State of Ohio authorities to its final burial place.  

Now while in this analogy I am “The Sock”, I prefer not to dwell on the sad final days of the car rotting on the side of the industrial wasteland of I-77, but rather think of the proud final moments as it steamed down the highway giving all it had.  It is all about seizing the moment and living to the fullest.  Still, I might cut down on the Octo Espressos.  I did update my last will and testament.   I have made very few commitments of my material possessions, so if you want something it’s best to let me know soon.

Now let’s move onto what really matters, gambling on the NFL.  I like to have a firm bank roll established rolling into the greatest day of the year, aka Thanksgiving.  Now is the time to have a steady hand and firmly make a statement about who you are and where you are going.  Let your freak flag fly.  Step up to the plate and make some money.  The first place I would start with that is the Arizona Cardinals +2.5 over the Minnesota Vikings.  The Vikings haven’t won in a month.  They can’t score and that’s not going to help when you play a good defense like Arizona.  A month ago the Vikings were in my “circle of trust”.  Now I can’t bet against them fast enough.  Arizona +2.5

The Lions are favored by 6.5 over Jacksonville.  They haven’t beaten anyone by more than four all year.  Allow me to look into the future on this game.  The Lions will roar out to an early lead.  (See what I did there?  Roar.  Pretty good, huh?)  They will have the game completely in hand.  It is only at this point, when the game is out of reach do the Jags begin to move the ball against soft prevent defenses.  Blake Bortles looks great on paper.  That’s because he gets all of his stats padded when they are down 31-14 with 12 minutes left.  The Jags will score two otherwise meaningless touchdowns late and get a backdoor cover.  It’s what they do.  Jacksonville +6.5      

Season Record:  16-6


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home