Nurse the Hate: Hate Dick Clark

I must have really tied one on last night because at one point I thought I saw a zombie that looked vaguely like Dick Clark hosting a national television broadcast on ABC. Horrible dark circles, browned teeth, slurred speech, and creepy dyed hair made for the most disturbing image I've seen in a long time. We've all seen people that have stayed on too long in the public eye. Johnny Unitas as a Charger. Willie Mays as a Met. Ronald Reagan when he controlled the world's largest nuclear arsenal...Yet, I've never seen anything as sad as the spectacle as "the world's oldest teenager" completely broken down and on center stage.

With Ryan Seacrest circling the host chair like a blood thirsty buzzard, old Dick refuses to walk off stage for the next generation to take over. Since he's the producer, I suppose it's his call, but isn't there anyone that can pull the plug on this fiasco? Doesn't he have a family? Friends? Isn't there a cold blooded executive at ABC that can put this horse down?

When the ball dropped at midnight, I wasn't filled with joy and expectation of another New Year. Instead I was filled with sorrow at seeing the complete disintegration of a public figure, and consequently began to reflect on the passing of the year as another step towards my own end. It's ten seconds after midnight, and I'm sad for Dick Clark. Not exactly what the "Rockin New Year's Eve" is supposed to deliver to the viewer, is it?

I can see Dick staying on board if he had been delivering great content year in and year out. I might even like it if he had great material. Imagine if that terrifying looking preacher guy from Poltergiest 2 (or maybe it was Poltergiest 3) told jokes like Chris Rock. We'd love that guy! We'd say, "That creepy looking slurring man with the bad dye job sure is one funny motherfucker!". Or maybe he'd zing the audience with wisdom like some kind of spooky Kung Fu master. "You know, I was going to just keep going on the gerbil wheel that is my life, but something Dick Clark slurred out last night really got me thinking. I've got a new path I am going to follow now. Gosh, that fella sure spreads the wisdom, doesn't he?" Instead, all the host of "Rockin New Year's Eve" does is pretend to be excited about whatever girl pop act of the moment is going to lip sync, and tell us how many light bulbs are on that fucking ball. Is that the job of a 76 year old stroke victim? Probably not...Give that little twerp Ryan Seacrest the gig already, and let him be the one to say nothing for the next 40 years.

P.S. If you wouldn't let a guy drive (and anyone that saw that spectacle last night would NEVER let Dick borrow their car), why would you let him broadcast to millions of people?