Nurse the Hate: Hate The NBA

Last week I had the horrifying experience of attending an NBA Playoff game. The basketball itself was great, but all the accompanying bullshit was so overwhelming I felt like a caveman emerging from some kind of hibernation in Times Square. Is it possible a guy like myself can go to a basketball game and not have to sit through a bad Vegas show?

The Cavaliers, like every other NBA team, have a “dance team“, which is a collection of twenty four year old aerobics instructors in tight slutty outfits that are attempting to bang NBA players for fun and profit. In addition to that is “the Scream Team” which are local 18+ age kids providing sanitized “urban” dance routines (read: break dancing) and MTV “rap style” home team attitude. Quick side note…With the exception of each NBA game, does anyone anywhere participate in break dancing? Didn’t that go the way of the DeLorean, leg warmer, and That‘s Incredible? Where on earth would someone go to practice break dancing and not be mercilessly taunted by his/her peer group? Who are these break dancers ands where are they coming from? A time machine from 1985?

This whole enterprise is mc’d by some dude who yells out unintelligible things into a wireless microphone as the sound system blares horrible music at teeth rattling decibels. “ALL RIGHT CAVS FANS!!!! LET’S BLAH BRAHHHH BLAHHH BRAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!” He was very insistent I should be participating in all kinds of activities guaranteed to give the home team the edge like waving around my “First Merit Rally Towel” when The Network came back from commercial break. I don’t know if it gives the home team the edge, but it does make that intro camera shot look good. First Merit probably likes it too.

The jumbotron is a four sided screen the size of a large building that shows a movie clip after every second of action. Delonte West hits an 18 foot jump shot? Better run a clip of one of the teenage boys in American Pie dancing. What hilarity! Wait around…Want to get psyched up? That Rocky clip is coming along. It’s going to be great. I also can’t wait until the “Kiss Cam” shows two members of the opposing team sitting next to each other. Ha! Those are men! On the other team! Look how foolish they look being expected to kiss each other. Home team 1, Visitor 0.

Also of note on the scoreboard is “The Diff”…This provides you the gap between the home team and the visitor. For example, if the Cavs are winning 83-77, “The Diff” helps you figure out they are winning by six. Side note: Have we sunk to the point in our society that it is acceptable to assume that the ticket holder is not capable of solving these mathematical equations? Any fucking retard that cannot do this simple math should not be allowed into the facility and beaten about the reproductive organs with bags of oranges.

It really reached a zenith when in the break between the 3rd and 4th quarter the Cavs Dance team were dancing, the Scream Team was spinning on their heads, Moondog the mascot was shooting hot dogs into the crowd with an air cannon, the MC was screaming for us to “GET UP AND BLAHH BLAHHH BLAHHHHHH!!!!!”, and a dance tune from about 10 years ago was playing so loud I wondered if this is what Hell was like. Yep, that’s basketball.

I was thinking that maybe it was an age thing. Maybe I’m just too old to appreciate how cool this presentation is. On reflection, I’m not buying that. I think it’s a taste thing, not an age thing. Being utilized like sheep to be extras in a television production should not be confused with being an active participant in an organic crowd that is genuinely excited. That crowd I was part of might have been loud, but it was nowhere near as intense as the crowd at a typical college basketball game, much less something like a Black Flag show. Maybe what the Cavs should do for future games is to break from the pack and knock all the bullshit off. No music, no dance team, no MC…Place people in their seats and let the event unfold. Let the opponents actually hear the crowd instead of the pre programmed multi media. Sometimes to be the loudest voice in the room, you have to whisper.


Side Notes: I watched Barry Zito pitch today, and that guy is a train wreck. He hangs every other curve ball at the letters, and guys are knocking it all over the park. To think the Giants have guaranteed him $100 million over 5 years is mind boggling. If I were them, I would hire a hit man to “take care of him”. It‘s the only way out…I see Rev Horton Heat is on tour again. Isn’t it time he ups the ante on his touring partners? How many tours has he done with Nashville Pussy now? Eight? How about some new talent that could really use the exposure to keep the scene he farms vibrant? I’d like to see him play with someone that would push him very night. I remember seeing him open for The Cramps early in his career. How about throwing someone a bone? Like those pesky Whiskey Daredevils!