Nurse the Hate: Hate the Hampton Inn

A friend of mine works part of the week outside of Toledo, and his office puts him up at a Hampton Inn right off the I-75 and I-90 split. The “Crampton”, as it is lovingly known, is a very functional stay. The rooms are clean. The TV is large. The free breakfast is crappy, like it should be. As I recall, doesn’t The Crampton have that oddly mounted waffle iron with sloppy ass batter everywhere? Breakfast is always a delight there. I think you can choose from the sugary synthetic muffins, mini box of fruit loops, plastic container of fake eggs, and waffles. All of these are usually self served on tiny Styrofoam plates with small specimen cups of juice that you get from the magic juice fountain. I enjoy sitting at one of the small dirty tables, where I can usually watch a small Mexican woman scurry about throwing out the trash left behind from the sad looking guests.

At this particular Hampton Inn, the local management team has created a “Guest of the Day” award. Each day one lucky customer is chosen as the “Guest of the Day”, and is notified via a small bulletin board by the reception desk. You can only imagine the excitement my friend felt when he walked into the hotel to discover that he, at last, had been awarded the coveted “Guest of the Day”.

No doubt his mind must have raced thinking about what wonderful prize he was about to claim. A free night’s stay? A meal in a nearby restaurant? A complimentary sleazy movie on the satellite? No, his prize was this:

• one (1) Hampton Inn plastic sports water bottle
• one (1) “fun-sized” Snickers bar
• one (1) “fun sized” 100 Grand bar

I am pretty sure the goal of naming a “Guest of the Day” was not to let the guest walk away thinking, “Man, I can’t believe how fucking cheap this hotel is! Can you believe they made me stop at the front desk to give me a 94 cent plastic water bottle and two Halloween candies? That’s the best they can do? That’s how they show me they appreciate the business? I am the motherfucking Guest of the Day! These are my spoils?”

Before we go too crazy, let’s keep things in perspective. It could have been worse. Not much, but it could have been bleaker. They could have given him:

• a nearly empty jar of olives with two (2) remaining olives and the discolored liquid they float in
• a worn “used” 3 month old copy of Hustler
• a pair of women’s sensible cotton panties with the Hampton Inn logo over the ass
• a kitten

My buddy decided to stay at the Hilton after that. He said that the water bottle rolling around in his back seat, “made him sad”. (I think he probably ate the candy bars though.)

I know most companies now have employees dedicated to monitoring the web to find out what people are saying about them on social media. With luck, this post will find its way to Supertel Hospitality Management CEO Steve Gilbert. Perhaps an underling will print it out, and sheepishly stick it in a file for a regular daily review of the public’s perception of Hampton Inn. Steve will read it, and his face will cloud. He will then thunder into the phone to his assistant, “Get me the Goddamn manager of that Toledo property on the phone right fucking now!”.

Meanwhile Mary Smith, the well intentioned day manager of that very Hampton Inn, is driving to work in her 2007 Kia Rio. Her brown polyster pantsuit is a little snug on her ample rear, but is offset nicely by the fluffy sweater featuring a compelling deer nature scene. She smiles confidently, with a brand new bag of “fun sized” Snickers in the back seat, ready for a new “Guest of the Day”. This was her baby, and she is in total control of the guest incentive program. Why, who wouldn’t be delighted at the recognition from the bulletin board? The fun sized candy and water bottle are just the oh so tasty gravy.

But that phone call is on the way. Here it comes, right from the top. She had always imagined she would be noticed for her initiative, for her commitment to making this Hampton Inn the best damn hotel in the group. But she had never imagined this. Ah, to imagine the look on her face when it shifts from that smug smile into sheer panic when Stevereno unloads on her… That’s what makes it all worthwhile to have been “Guest of the Day”, doesn’t it?