Nurse the Hate: Hate The Kraken

When I think of great cinematic achievements, like you, I immediately think of the classic 1981 film “Clash of the Titans”. Taking all the great ideas from claymation Sinbad movies, and adding Harry Hamlin running around in a toga and small sword, this film has it all. Laurence Olivier is in it for God’s sake! Plus, who doesn’t love the tale of Perseus? Sure, there was a re-make done last year just like Hollywood remakes all the “classic films” from days gone by like The Nutty Professor, The Stepford Wives, and Planet of the Apes. But it just wasn’t as good as the 1981 one, was it? Hollywood does tend to play it safe. It makes sense though. If you are going to spend millions, tell a story you know people will like. Just like such time worn tales as “The Nutty Professor” or “Freaky Friday”, “Clash of the Titans” has also been handed down generation to generation from the ancient Greeks. However, there is one glaring issue I have with “Clash of the Titans”…

Let’s talk about The Kraken for a minute. The Kraken is, of course, the fearsome sea monster that is either a badass Godzilla or an enormous ass kicker of a Giant Squid depending on who is telling the story. Either way, this can’t be an easy creature to keep contained and later released to beat the crap out of your foes. Let’s just keep the willing suspension of disbelief going for a moment and assume a bunch of guys in togas and spears somehow got this Scary Monster into some sort of holding pen. What the hell do they feed him? That whole seaside village would have to be going 24/7/365 coming up with fish and goats for him to eat. Wouldn’t they eventually get pissed? “Hey, Torkis… How come every time we capture a goat from the mountains we gotta throw it into the Kraken pen? I gotta tell you, I wouldn’t mind a little goat now and then, you know? Look, I know the Kraken destroyed that marauding Navy a couple years ago, but since then what has he done? Nothing, that’s what… Meanwhile you and I are scampering around these hills like a couple of monkeys capturing goats for that lazy fucker. Maybe we outta just release The Kraken and take our chances.”

I see problems there… People complain. Folks want a little goat or a fish filet on the weekend with their ouzo. Maybe you have a mayor ruling town with an iron fist and a browbeaten populace is working like slaves producing food. OK, if that’s the case then The Kraken gets fed. So tell me this… How do you get The Kraken back into his pen so you can “Release the Kraken!” again? It had to be a bitch to get that thing in a pen in the first place. Now he’s all wound up flailing around and you are going to get the same bunch of goat gatherers to somehow cajole him back into his holding pen? I’m telling you, I just don’t buy it. Sometimes I think that “Clash of the Titans” story is all bullshit and not an accurate historical recreation ….