Monday, January 24, 2011

Nurse the Hate: Exciting New Band Concept

It has recently become crystal clear that to succeed in today's music business, you must cater to a very specific audience. While some bands zero in on such fringe groups as the goth scene, reggaetron, or death metal, I feel this is just too broad. The key is to "superserve" a small cult audience that loves your every move. That is why the idea has been floated around the van of late to become the #1 band on the planet for numismatists (or coin collectors).

We will call ourselves The Numismatists, and write coin collecting songs. That's the easy part. "Give Me Some Indian Head (Pennies)"... "Fill My Nickel Hole"... "You're Very Fine To Excellent"... and it's sister song "You're Fine Like a Mercury Dime". They practically write themselves. Why struggle to get good gigs at places like the Beachland, Northside, and Schuba's when you can start playing Coin Shows at VFW Halls on Saturday and Sunday afternoons? The audience is already built in! Now let's talk about merchandise.. We'll sell the CDs for $65. Now you might think that is expensive, but not when you factor in we will place a "rare and valuable coin" in every copy sold. I can visualize coin books with our logos on them. Official Numismatists Coin Price Guideline Books. We will stand at the back of the room at our merch table, which will also feature a rotating display case filled with Buffalo Nickels, Mercury Dimes, and the occasional 1909 S Lincoln head penny. Each band member will have a magnifying glass so we can offer free evaluations of fan's coin collections after shows. We'll build strong personal relationships with fans, putting our arms around a shoulder while asking, "How's your collection Joe? Did you find that 1943 steel penny yet?"

Krusty thought all this was a good idea, but he became concerned about carrying large and bulky coin displays. "What about my plantar fasciitis?" Yes, a long history of wearing boots on stage will catch up with you in pesky foot problems. It was evident that we would have to bring a podiatry specialist with us on the road. But why pay to have him there just to tend to Krusty's feet? Why not use this as yet another revenue stream? The logical thing to do would be to do ingrown toenail removals back by the merchandise area. That way a coin collector could get a nasty ingrown big toenail chopped out while having his entire collection reviewed by Leo at the same time! Why not get a foot exam while Gary determines if your 1971 Kennedy half dollar is "good" or "very good"?

There is probably a downside. We would have to get a trailer for sure. Those podiatrists chairs must be bulky as hell. Plus the coins aren't going to be easy to load in and out at every show. Then there is the question if Ken's podiatrist will fit in with us on the road. The last thing I want to hear if we're listening to the Stones "Exile On Main Street" driving around in the van is a podiatrist leaning in from the backseat saying, "You know, Bill Wyman actually has very wide feet. Not a lot of people know that." That's going to ruin the mood, you know. Plus there might be some legal issues with a podiatrist drinking beer, injecting people with local anesthesia and then performing minor foot surgeries in a setting like an old VFW Hall. We'll have to figure that part out. The rest of the plan seems really solid though.

Quick Note: Jay Cutler sure caught a lot of crap, and even some from me yesterday as I had my hard earned money on him in the NFC Championship game. I don't doubt the guy got hurt, but he sure doesn't do himself many favors as he waltzes around the sideline with a bored expression and frat boy smirk on his face. It's hard to root for a guy that is transparently a douche, and I don't like to use the word "douche" since I think it's lazy. Still, that is the word that really seems to fit him to a "T", isn't it?... I hit the Steelers hard on the money line on the late game. Boy, they sure do win ugly, don't they? Regardless, a win is a win.


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home