Monday, January 3, 2011

Nurse the Hate: Hate Fantasy Football Talk

What is more boring? Listening to people discuss their fantasy football team or listening to people describe their dreams? Please note, by "dreams", I don't mean "Walk on the Moon", "Play Bass with Reverend Horton Heat" or "Catch the World's Largest Fish". I mean the kind you have at night while sleeping. As in, "I was walking down a hallway that was like, this room kind of like my bedroom when I was a kid, but different... You know what I mean? And then Mrs. Wieslogal, my third grade teacher came in the room, and she told me to pick up my fingerpaints. The problem was I didn't have any fingerpaints, and then when I looked down at my hands, they weren't my hands but someone else's. The I heard a knock on the door, and my teeth fell out. Oh yeah, you were in it too. And you were naked."

Nobody wants to hear this, especially if you were the person naked in the dream. Even more so if the person recalling the dream is a co-worker or same sex friend. We have all politely nodded our heads while this type of story is told, and maybe even attempted to offer some armchair psychoanalysis. "Well, I think the fingerpaints represent your unhappiness with your relationship with your parents. Mrs. Wieslogal is your childhood, and the loss of teeth is the end of innocence. That part about me being naked is just really fucked up man..." Regardless of how this shakes out, it is interesting to almost no one, like a Yoko Ono record or Brendan Fraser movie. The whole topic should be avoided.

However this pales in comparison to talking about your Fantasy Football team. I have been at gatherings for months where men excitedly talk in great detail to other men about combinations of players they have in their quest for their mythical league title. You can tell when these conversations are happening because the female companions of these guys all have a glazed look on their faces like they have just ingested a roofie. Another sign is to look at the guy listening, because he is just pretending to listen until he can start rattling of statistics about his own fantasy team. No one cares about anyone else's fantasy team but their own. There is one exception to this, and that is when one of your friend's players has suffered a debilitating injury and you are the one that gets to break the news. "Hey Dave, you watching the late game? Oh, you're not. Hmmm.... I guess you don't know that Frank Gore just broke his hip then! HaHaHaHa!!!! (click)"

Make no mistake. When Frank Gore broke his hip, the only ones that cared were the Gores (Frank especially I would imagine), Frank Gore "owners", and maybe a few 49er fans. There were ten times that many people calling fellow Fantasy Football geeks and dancing on the X-rays. It's a sick world. I wish it wasn't, but it is.

Now that the NFL season is winding down, hopefully we will be rid of this pox for at least 8 months. Let's all channel this energy into discussing great books, music, or film. Let's discuss the merits of a 1975 Chateau Mouton Rothchild. Or perhaps a nice chewy Booker syrah. A Three Floyd's Gumball Head. The wait for a new Cormac McCarthy novel. Or maybe just the merits of Hillbilly Casino covering "Detroit Rock City" if Nic wants to grab a smoke. And I am not just saying that because Frank Gore was on my team.

Important Note: I love the Jets +3 over Indy this week and Baltimore -3 over Kansas City. That Jet line will move because of all the heavy NY action that will flood in, so grab the points now while you can. They will win outright. Also, this KC team is not ready to play a veteran team like Baltimore in the Playoffs. Baltimore wins a close game and covers (hopefully)...


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