Nurse the Hate: Hate Black Friday

Who the hell are these Hillbillies and Rubes that set their alarms for 3:30 am to go drive to a Target to save $50 on a TV on Black Friday? Can you imagine sleeping out in front of a Wal Mart to get a jump on buying crap Xmas gifts for your ungrateful family? No one really cares about what they got for a Holiday gift 20 minutes after they open the wrapping paper. Can you even remember what Santa brought you last year? You would think that Kohl's is literally giving shit away the way the media breathlessly reports on the shopping orgy. It's a credit card driven frenzy out there. Here's the way I see it...

1) It is a slow news day. Those shitty morning local newscasts and the Today Show need something to talk about. After Channel 7 has reported on the free Thanksgiving dinner served at the City Mission and shown footage of the giant Underdog balloon floating down the street at the Macy's Parade, they have basically handled everything that happened on Thanksgiving Day. That leaves them with about 50 minutes to fill with "content". That sort of fills in the gap on why the third string local reporter is talking to borderline retarded people standing outside of a strip plaza, doesn't it? The hype breeds even more hype. The reported stories become even more fantastic. "Gil, we're down here at the Crapatopia Shopping Plaza with a family that has been camping out here in the freezing rain for 19 days to insure they will be first inside at Sears. They have resorted to crapping in buckets, and are filtering their own urine for drinking water. They also told us that Jenny, their 5 year old daughter, died four days ago from exposure to these harsh elements. But with the incredible bargains awaiting them inside, they assure us that it has all been worth the sacrifice. Back to you Gil..."

2) People want to believe. Anyone with even a whiff of common sense knows that Best Buy cannot keep their doors open by selling big screen TVs below their cost. Yet, the same sort of people that know deep in their hearts that today is the day they will win the lottery also have failed to think this concept through. They should stop and think while Grandma is packing up like a Sherpa to stand outside in subzero temperatures. Yes, she will get that Korean made off brand coffee maker at a decent price, but perhaps all is not as it first appears. "Honey, you know maybe those fellas at Best Buy are just putting one little TV on sale to trick us into the store so we'll spend all our money on crap they really want to sell us. This whole durn thing might just be a ruse so we buy whatever they have stacked up on an end aisle display! Sometimes I think we might be being played as the Damn Fool!"

3) Let's just say that maybe you have identified a "bargain". Let's say you will save a good percentage off the retail price. How much money would you have to save to wake up in the dead of night, find a parking place, fight off unsavory characters, and stand in lines just so you can buy a digital camera? I will gladly pay an extra $100 on an item like that to not have to endure that particular Hell. Black Friday is like going to an overcrowded State Fair that is held in the dead of night at a Godforsaken Strip Plaza of the Damned where the goal is not to ride "The Tumbler" but buy a microwave oven. It is like putting a Radio Shack inside the Browns Stadium Men's Room on Gameday. It's like doing your holiday shopping in the DMV.

No thanks.

Today's Can't Miss Guaranteed Locks of the Day: I think I have hit eight of my last nine games, so there isn't a chance in Hell I win today. However, I really feel like the Green Bay Packers will win in Atlanta today. I am having a hard time getting my arms around the fact that Atlanta is a top team in the NFC. Doesn't it seem like they play St Louis, Detroit, or San Francisco every week at home? Have they even played a road game yet? The Packers, despite having more injuries than the "Iraqi Elite Republican Guard" during Operation Desert Storm, still are winning games impressively. I'll take Green Bay on the money line... This time of year is a great time to bet against veteran teams that have completely given up. A team that fits that description to a "T" are our good friends the Minnesota Vikings. Brett Favre wants to take his Wrangler jeans and go home. Childress, about as well liked as Stalin, got cut loose this week. You can't walk across the Viking locker room without tripping on a Mexican vacation travel brochure. Now they have to go on the road and play the Redskins and that red ass Shanahan. I think the Redskins are a .500 team at best. You get to be .500 by winning games at home against teams you are supposed to beat. The Vikings are just such a team. Shanahan will have the whip on the Redskins all week preparing for this otherwise meaningless game like it is the NFC Championship game. Take Washington +1.5.