Nurse the Hate: Hate The Facebook

Like most of you, I have a Facebook account. I originally got one just to see how it worked, and figure out if I could use it for any of my various evil endeavors. I don't really use it that much, and every time I spend more than 15 minutes on it, I find myself annoyed. It might just be my "friends", or in reality the 300 or so people I have in my data base that consist of my 16 real friends and 284 people I kinda know and impulsively accepted into my circle in a moment of weakness. You might have a totally different experience. What I find each time I log onto Facebook is:

* Pictures of what people ate- I don't know why people think you are interested in clicking onto a picture of a plate of eggs or pasta taken in terrible lighting with their Blackberry camera. "Holy Shit! You got to come over here! Take a look at this burger and cup of chili Pete ate 6 hours ago! I've never seen anything like it!" Unless you ate at The French Laundry or Charlie Trotters, I'm probably not interested in your dinner. No one else is either.

* Updates on kids- Look, I am friends with you, not your seven year old. I don't give a shit about what he said on the way to school this morning. Everyone probably has a friend like this. "This morning Liam said he thought Mr Jingles our dog looked like a lion. Then he asked why Mr Jingles wasn't in the zoo 'cause that's where lions are kept!" Hey, it sounds like your kid is borderline retarded to me. I wouldn't start spreading that bullshit that comes out of his mouth around. At a certain point the kid is going to have to find work, and if I am interviewing him, I'll be thinking "Isn't that the little dumbass that thought his dog was a lion?". Also, just because the grandparents chime in with a "That's so cute. We like this." post, doesn't mean everyone else does too. We don't. Fuck your kids. Oh, and if you post a picture of your kid instead of you, I am deleting you. I will cast you out of the inner circle forever.

* Passive aggressive posts- When I see a vague post like "Some people need to learn how to treat other people", I know that this person is fishing for a sympathetic ear to whatever mundane wrong has visited them. The poster hopes to receive a flurry of responses like "What's wrong Steve? That is SO UNFAIR! Hang in there!". Quit being such a pussy and airing your dirty laundry on the web. While six people responded to you with what you wanted to hear, the other 294 read it and said "What a pussy".

* Vague declarations- Once a week I see a woman post a variation of "I am a strong independent woman! If you can't handle it, then fuck you!". You know this is the aftermath of four glasses of wine and an evening ending argument. The Facebook post has become The Last Word in that argument. This type of post is exclusively the domain of women. The respondents are always other women that offer support as they know that they too may make this type of post one day and would like to receive similar support. My belief is that any guy that gives the "thumbs up" to this is strictly making a long shot attempt to position himself as a Sensitive Guy and possible partner for coitus. I always have to stop myself from stirring the pot when I see one of these. I really can't help myself. I just think about how wound up people would get if I commented in a horribly insensitive way. I saw one this week and thought about making the nuclear option comment of "Looks like someone might be close to their period". There is no return from that comment even if you are kidding around. Every woman you know will hear about it, tell every woman they know, and your relations with English speaking females in North America have ended. You gotta be careful out there on the web...

* Attached clips of youtube videos- Yes, you are a fan of some obscure band like Black Oak Arkansas or The Undertones. What does that mean to me? If I was into Black Oak Arkansas, I could go watch their videos on youtube myself. I really don't need you to send this grainy video footage to me. I have 500 TV channels, a mountain of books, and stacks of CDs. The last thing I need is more "content". Listen to your Black Oak Arkansas at home, and leave me alone with that shit. I could spend 10 hours a day clicking on the bullshit people send me. It's like frivolous direct mail. The only things I ever click on are terrible accident footage and bizarre sexual videos. If I have 3 minutes and can watch Black Oak Arkansas or three midget women shitting on a Japanese businessman, I go midget every time. That's not wrong, is it?

* So and so is "Single"- What better way of announcing to the world the end of a longtime relationship with someone once very special to you than a mass email? "To whom it may concern. My wife of seven years and I are now divorced. I am now available for intercourse. On a totally unrelated matter, I "like" that you are a strong independent woman."