Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Nurse the Hate: Hate The News

* There was recently a Bill introduced in Ohio that would allow gun owners to bring concealed weapons into bars. Well, that certainly seems like a good idea. Why not combine the good times of tequila and the power of a 9mm pistol? It is incomprehensible to me how much juice the NRA has in this country. The "right to bear arms" thing in the Constitution was not referring to guys packing heat at BW-3 in case "somebody starts talking shit about me". And please don't even start that moronic "if they start to ban owning military grade assault weapons, next thing you know they won't allow me my rifle to go turkey huntin' with Grandpap" argument. No one wants to stop anyone from shooting turkeys. The goal is to make sure that the guy with the terrible tribal band tattoo and goatee doesn't start to wave an Uzi around at the bar after 17 draft beers to impress everyone with what a Big Man he is. I can't think of any situation at a bar that needs to have a gun introduced into it. Except maybe if the band at the club starts to play "Mustang Sally".

* You have a pretty good idea how popular the NFL is when all anyone can talk about is the NFL draft, and yet the entire season may not even happen. My favorite part of the draft is listening to Mel Kiper make proclamations with the assurance of a Greek God, yet he has even less idea of what he is talking about than most NFL executives. That dude is such a False God that if you look online for past proclamations you will find the record has been expunged. Seriously, I challenge you to find his past predictions. It's easy to always be an expert if you aren't held accountable for anything. I don't know if he has some hacker bully police out there or what, but there is no past with Mel Kiper. I did find a blog where someone had tacked an old "Big Board" from 2008 that told me that fat kid QB Brian Brohm from Louisville was "a polished passer in the Jim Kelly mold" and worthy of the #1 pick. If you waited it out until the #8 pick, you could have grabbed QB Andre' Woodson from KY, "big and mobile with a rocket arm". I think that guy just detailed my car. Nice fella. Too bad football didn't go as planned. Should've paid more attention in class I guess. None of these guys know anything. They are making educated guesses.

* The 2010-11 season NBA Playoffs have started, and they are expected to be completed in June of 2013. Even the first round are never ending seven game series with games happening every so often according to the whims of the TV schedule. It's hard to get all worked up about. It was nice to see LeBron James miss another clutch shot at the buzzer to lose to the Sixers last weekend. Seriously, will that guy ever actually win anything? If I was sitting at a poker table across from LeBron James, I am ALL IN. I could be sitting on a pair of threes, and he would come back with Jack high. I am so much more competitive than that guy, I know I could beat him in anything (with the exception of one-on-one basketball). You name it. Checkers, fishing, Scrabble, bowling, Battleship... Can you imagine the facial expressions he would make when I sunk his Battleship? It would be that combination of grief and a woman being in labor he likes to use so much with refs. I wonder if he uses a mouthguard while playing Battleship? I don't know. I do know that I can beat him in anything he chooses because he is, at the core, a loser.

* I wish there was more coverage on this Royal Wedding. I just don't feel as I have enough information. Is there any way we could devote even more media coverage? Four Networks broadcasting live just won't do it. I do understand though. For a certain kind of person, this is like a Super Bowl/World Series/Zeppelin Reunion Concert/handjob all rolled into one. I would imagine that if you are very excited about things like Dancing With the Stars, American Idol and ponies, this is the event for you. I hate weddings, so I am having a tough time getting excited about a wedding between two people I don't know in a country very far away whose residents seem to be comprised mostly of confrontational pasty drunks with horrible teeth. I suppose the Fairy Tale aspect of a wedding with no budgetary constraints is appealing to ladies that spend their entire lives believing they are Princesses that will have their Special Day too. However it can only lead to disappointment to compare the extravagance that will be on display with their future wedding of baked ziti in a foil tin, plastic ware, a DJ from "Soundtastic Entertainment Inc.", shiny men's rental tuxedo shoes, and their ex-roommate hooking up with "that guy from work" in the VFW Hall men's room stall. Look at it for what it is- a very well done tourist event.


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