Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Nurse the Hate: Hate Bin Laden

After a mere ten years the US military finally found Bin Laden, not in a faraway cave but rather in a McMansion in a suburb of one of Pakistan's major cities. I think everyone was excited that he finally was brought to vigilante justice just like a Die Hard movie. Of course, one has to wonder how our good friends in Pakistan couldn't seem to find him when he was in a giant house with dudes walking around with automatic weapons. "Well my friends, I don't know where he could be. Let's go check those caves again! Oh that enormous house over there? I'm not really sure who lives there. No matter. Let's take another look at those caves." Pakistan is like that popular mean girl at the Cool Kids lunch table that is really nice to your face, but then when you walk away she says something terrible about you and her friends all laugh. She may write something sweet in your yearbook, but you know she says you're a shitbag after a few foamers at the graduation party. We need to talk to some of the other kids at the Cool Lunch Table and start the excommunication of the Pakis to the Dork Table. While we may suffer with instability in 7-11 franchises, I think we will all get used to seeing less bushy mustaches on cashiers rather quickly.

While this was undoubtedly a triumphant moment for the country to finally find Bin Laden and eliminate him, I couldn't help but cringe when I saw the footage of various groups of people chanting "USA! USA! USA!" while dancing around. It reminded me of those guys in the NFL that celebrate wildly after a QB sack in the first quarter. Act like you have been there before for God's sake. I wouldn't do a sack dance after Terminix came in and killed a roach in my house, so perhaps that behavior may be a bit over the top. For example, at Ohio State a bunch of students jumped into that pond on campus splashing water just like before the Michigan game. I don't know if that pre-football game tradition is necessarily the best way to note our Special Forces assassinated the mastermind of a terror plot that killed thousands, you know? "Dude! Bin Laden is dead! Let's crush a twelve pack, jump in the pond, and see if we can bang a few Sorority chicks."

You know how pissed off you get when you see a bunch of Arab guys screaming at television cameras burning American flags? For the most part, these are small mobs assembled for the benefit of TV cameras like a studio audience. They don't represent the majority of their country, but are the bunch of Middle Eastern Mooks that like to get worked up about whatever they get worked up about. Most people are like ourselves and want to go home, relax, and not get hassled by Mooks. This holds true in Egypt, Libya, London, and Ft Wayne Indiana. However, now when people like you and me from across the planet watch TV, they will see those Mooks in the OSU pond screaming "USA! USA! USA!", and think "Those guys look like assholes." You know what? They're not necessarily wrong.

It's a watershed event in history. Clearly, the "good guys" finally got their win. I think it also took about 17 minutes before the conspiracy theorists and political radio honks started up. In the last day I have heard 1) Bin Laden is still alive as this is a hoax to win the next election. 2) They won't release a picture because they took him prisoner and have him in detention somewhere super secret. 3) George Bush was actually the mastermind of this whole plan. 4) Obama is taking too much credit. 5) This is somehow tied into the fact there never actually was a Moon landing.

Do you think it was like this 50 years ago? Were people as cynical back then? "Hey man, D-Day never actually happened man. That whole thing was a movie made by Hitler. He and Stalin and FDR dreamed that whole shit up to corner the oil market and run One World Government. Seriously man. Did you ever see an actual picture of Hitler dead? Even if you did, it would have been totally photo shopped man. Wake up. It's all a big show meant to keep your eye of the ball. Those dudes are all still alive with Walt Disney somewhere off the coast of Brazil. Seriously man." The media aftermath and talk radio conspiracy kookiness is going to be absolutely brutal. Get ready.

I'm glad Bin Laden was finally killed. I'm sorry it took so long. It's a somber moment to remember a tragic event and its consequences, not a "High Five America Fuck Yeah!" moment. As a wise person once said, "Ding Dong the witch is dead."


At May 23, 2011 at 6:20:00 PM EDT , Blogger Cannon said...

Kinda New Joke with a short shelf life,so I gotta get it out there. The Bin Laden Cocktail; Two shots and a splash of water! (chuckle)


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