Nurse the Hate: Hate BMX Man

Maybe I am missing the boat on how fun those BMX bikes are, but every time I see a guy old enough to have facial hair pedal by on one I think, "What a loser." First of all, if you have a beard, you really should have a car. I mean, you don't see guys with mustaches on pogo sticks or Big Wheels, unless of course you are at Burning Man battling a massive dose of magic mushrooms. Even then, there is no reason to be on a children's bike. The pogo stick is probably the way to go if you are going "children's transportation". That's only if there is no Green Machine, but I digress...

Now I am not down on bikes. Far from it. Bike it up I say. Let's say you are a real slacker, or maybe idealistically "green". Fine. Have that bike as your primary transportation, but have one where you can sit and not have your knees around your head. The kind of bike where you can sit atop your little throne seat and fuck traffic up while wearing your special little bike pants and shoes. One that sits high enough so all can look upon your beret or backwards turned Euro Bike Hat. One where you can assume the Moral High Ground on the way to your $7.00 an hour bike messenger job or coffee barrista gig.

I don't know who these men, and let's be honest, they are men, are on these bikes. They are generally wearing giant jeans with very exciting stitching on the giant pockets. These are offset by the white wife beater shirt, or even better, the skinny white trash shirtless look. The smaller, paler, and less developed a poor white kid's chest happens to be is directly proportional to his likelihood to not be wearing a shirt while on a busy downtown intersection. Let's call this the "Insane Clown Posse" effect.

Where in the world can a skinny pale shirtless kid be riding a children's bike to in the middle of the afternoon in a business district of a medium sized American city? Is he going to see his broker to short some bank stock? Perhaps working on a merger and acquisition of a chemical company? Or maybe just looking to see if he can break into my car and steal something for meth money. It's really hard to say for certain.

The path to adulthood is fraught with many perils. There comes a certain time to say goodbye to your little trick bike, and maybe think to yourself "Hey, I look like a clown on this. I should get a job and buy some new pants that fit."