Friday, August 24, 2012

Nurse the Hate: Hate The Indians

I had Cleveland Indians season tickets from 1994-2007.  I stopped buying tickets and supporting the team when I realized that the owners had, at best, a passive interest in winning.  Why would I spend money and give a fuck when the guys that own the team care less than I did?  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m sure the Dolans wish that the team would win.  I mean, who wouldn’t?  However, these guys clearly are not ready to do what is necessary to make that outcome happen though their actions.  The idea that they can throw a bunch of young kids, retreads, and career minor leaguers out on the diamond and hope that they beat the odds and win is probably not the best way to succeed.  You know who has done that and won?  Nobody.   

The Indians stunning collapse this July/August would send most owners into a frenzy.  The team has lost 21 of their last 25 and eight in a row as I write this.  If I owned the team I would have someone’s head on a pike in the outfield.  “Long fly ball to left!  Duncan should get it…  Wait!  The ball careens off the head of ex-manager Manny Acta that is impaled on a stick and rolls towards right!  This will be extra bases for Cano!  Matt, did I see part of Manny’s jaw fall off?  Boy!  What a hard hit ball!” 

You may be surprised to know that the man pictured above is not going to make any rash moves.  That’s shocking.  Usually when I see an Opie Taylor haircut and accountant glasses, I think “maverick”.  Paul Dolan went to Indians manager Manny Acta’s charity event at a bowling alley downtown in Cleveland last night and said "As I sit here today, I have no intent to make any changes. I have to understand what's happened. I'm not going to have that understanding today. Hopefully, sometime in this off-season, we'll be able to assess and move from there.''  He then reiterated he has no plans to fire manager Manny Acta, who has one year left in his contract. 


Let me ask you…  If you don’t fire a manager that is in charge of a team that has lost 21 of 25 immediately after putting themselves in a position to win the division, what are the circumstances in which you do fire a manager?  They have won 16% of their games in a sport where the horrible teams win 40%.  I think we can comfortably say that winning and losing has nothing to do with your employment status as manager of the 2012 Cleveland Indians.  So what does he have to do to get fired?  “Mr. Dolan…  Manny Acta was seen in the bullpen nude and erect wearing angel’s wings shooting a bow and arrow at fans.  Do you plan on retaining him as manager?”  As I sit here today, I have no plans on making any changes.  “Last week Acta did somersaults out to the pitching mound while dressed as Hitler to remove Justin Masterson from the game against the Royals.  Did you consider removing him as manager then?”  As I sit here today, I have no plans on making any changes.   “The team has not won a game since Manny Acta has installed a pitching machine as his starting pitcher on Wednesday, and he says he plans on continuing to use the pitching machine for the foreseeable future.  Have you and General Manager Chris Antonetti discussed that at all?  As I sit here today, I have no plans on making any changes.  “Sir…  Acta is openly drinking whiskey and smoking while in the dugout now.  I think he has also stopped using toilets and is soiling himself.  Will that be addressed at all?”

The ownership of the Indians are not winners.  That’s all there is to it.  They sat down at a poker table where they don’t have deep enough pockets and aren’t as good as the other poker players.  That in an unenviable position.  They also can’t afford to sell the team because they paid too much for it.  You know what that means?  It means the Indians are going to suck forever and nobody is going to the games.  This cycle will only get worse.  The team should pull up those seats in the upper decks out in right and left field.  You’ll want to keep the area clear so you can see when the feral cats overrun the area.  There will be open tire fires and bums fighting over half bottles of fortified wine.  Guys in tattered rags and rotted teeth will be selling meth.  “I haven’t seen my daughter since she went to Section 579 on Dollar Dog Day.  I miss my little girl!”

Acta himself told his players "they can't fire all 25 players, so relax and play ball".  Damn straight.  Lucky for him, I don't think they want to pay off that year left on his contract, so he's good to go too.  He should start coming to the ballpark in a robe.  Maybe just Skype himself in to manage while he's relaxing out on his patio.  Dude, I guess they aren't firing you.  Go for it.  What's the team going to do?  Play poorly? 


At August 24, 2012 at 1:50:00 PM EDT , Blogger Irving Katz said...

you killed it today. great job.

At August 30, 2012 at 2:14:00 AM EDT , Blogger AZ said...

I say keep doing what you're doing since I took the under in wins on the advice of a fucking gambling genius.

Still kicking myself that it was not a nickel or dime, but content in the fact that Franklin will have a buddy waiting for him and me to collect on my next Vegas junket.

At August 30, 2012 at 1:28:00 PM EDT , Blogger Greg Miller said...

This Indians season was easy money, as was
the Houston Astros. I thought in July I was going to be looking at a team around .500. Thank goodness the baseball Gods noticed what had been happening.


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