Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Nurse the Hate: Hate The Maui Shark Attack

I was reading about a shark attack in Maui where a woman was snorkeling in 10 feet of water 30 feet off shore and what was estimated to be a 25 foot tiger shark bit her.  Think about the size of that animal.  A big grizzly bear is about 500 pounds.  That shark was about 1500 pounds.  I would imagine that it would be disappointing to have what is real life sea monster clamp down on you.  “I don't know because it happened so fast. I didn't see him coming. I didn't see him leave. He just came and hit me hard and bit me hard and I just took off to the shore as fast as I could." 

The fortunate thing in this story was the shark apparently thought this woman initially was a seal and then changed its mind.  Thank goodness for the typical American diet.  This woman’s lifetime of eating Subway and Bob Evans must have made her not very tasty.  Even a tiger shark doesn’t want anything to do with “Avacado Madness” or whatever that gross looking sandwich Subway is advertising right now.  The good news is she just got one bite.  The bad news is the 15 inch bite from her neck down to the middle of her spine is probably not very comfortable. 

It’s all about finding the silver lining.  If I was attacked by an enormous shark like that, I’d be Mr. Shit Talk for the rest of my days.  I would literally look for opportunities to take my shirt off on any occasion.  “Oh this revolting scar?  That’s from when I was attacked by a 25 foot tiger shark.  What’s that little two inch mark on you?  A skateboarding accident?  Hmm…  Why don’t you put your tampon in and let’s get our shirts vs skins half court basketball going, eh Nancy?  Who’s guarding the guy with the scars? You sissy boy?”, I’d say. 

I would be so obnoxious everyone would hate me at a level I never thought possible.  I would literally always be walking around the beach looking for a volleyball game.  There I am again mowing the lawn with my shirt tossed casually aside.  Oh!  Now I’m jogging down the busy road in just running shorts.  Hey, who wants to take a look at me shirtless walking to get the newspaper on a Saturday morning?  It would be “my thing”.  I wouldn’t let any stranger get further than 11 seconds into getting to know me before I brought it up.


“So, where do you work?  Oh, I thought about getting a job there, but after being involved in that shark attack, I figured the insurance wouldn’t take me…”

“Oh, you are from (name of city) originally?  I haven’t been there since my shark attack…”   

“I see you are a Browns fan.  Me, I’m more of a hockey fan.  San Jose Sharks, which is odd really since I was attached by a 25 foot tiger shark in Hawaii recently…”

No matter what, I would bring it up.  I envision anyone that has known me for more than an hour to be rolling their eyes the second I started speaking to anyone new, or anyone I felt hadn’t recently had my dramatic first person re-telling of the tale.  People will do anything not to be near me at a party.   “Oh fuck, here comes Greg again.  He’s going to tell the fucking shark story. Again.  And again.  I wish he had been eaten by that damn thing.” 

Yet there I will swagger about, oblivious to all of it, with my giant bite mark scars.   I might even get one of those shark tooth necklaces.  This is all part of my new six point plan where I run a surf/kayak/paddleboard/scuba shop on the beach in Hawaii very poorly with a lovely female companion that realizes I don’t know anything about my business.   I’ll have to hire a couple of local employees that will skim off the top without my knowledge, and will make more money than I will by selling weed to the tourists.  I’ll be in big legal trouble when they get caught and say it was all my idea.  Then I’ll wind up losing the shop and the lovely female companion after the 25 foot shark attack leaves me in bloody bandages for months in the hospital without insurance.  It will get real bad with my resulting pain killer addiction.  The good news is that I will eventually return to Ohio and just focus full time on telling my shark attack story.

I can’t wait. 


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