Monday, August 19, 2013

Nurse the Hate: Small Time Anarchy

There has been a subtle change that has been going on for some time that is almost complete.  I have stopped obeying almost every rule and law that I think is foolish.  This either means I have become some sort of cantankerous old man, or have become some sort of low impact anarchist.  I am leaning into the “cantankerous old man” side as I am not attempting to get any minions to join me on this clear path of chaos.  This is no movement.  This is no revolution.   I don't have the energy.  I’ve just evolved into this anti-social creature that rigidly obeys certain aspects of our society, and has totally discarded others.  There is almost no rhyme or reason to any of it, really just a reflection of personal convenience.  I really should start wearing cooler sunglasses and a flag shirt...  That will help sell my ideas through.  

For example, many traffic laws I now regard as merely “suggestions”.  Red light/green light?  That shit is important.  I haven’t gone mad.  I don't want anyone killing themselves out there.  I’m all about tailoring existing laws to better fit my preferred lifestyle.  My thought is that since I have a high performance vehicle that has been specifically designed to drive at high speeds and brake rapidly, I should not be held to the same vehicle limits as a 1998 Dodge Caravan with bald tires.  As the machine I am driving bears little resemblance to that other machine that is so often annoyingly in front of me, I feel that I should no longer be shackled to the lowest common denominator traffic limits that rightly have been imposed on the majority of others.  I have, in fact, ascended beyond these laws and now exist in my own set of self-policed rules.  Do not worry fellow citizens.  I shall continue to monitor myself closely.  

If a law gets in my way, and it doesn’t present any real benefit (to me), it’s time to stop paying attention to it.  I no longer adhere to the idea of open container laws.  In most of Europe, if you want to have a beer instead of a Diet Mt Dew, you have at it.  What’s the difference?  Will the nation spiral into lawlessness because I have beer and water in my cooler at the park?  Will I lose all control after having wine with a sandwich on a picnic?  Will children decide to no longer listen to their parents because they see me shuffle by with a Green Flash IPA at the beach?   Was anyone harmed when I knocked back that completely tasty Hala Kahiki Pineapple beer after I paddled around on my kayak?  Hell no.  This is another pointless rule that I have discarded.  I would suggest you do the same.  You’ll like it.  Once again, I want to stress that this is not a movement per se.  It’s just an idea I have outgrown.  I have evolved into a new direction.

It’s all about making society fit your lifestyle, not the other way around.  I like to bring the hounds with me when I enter stores in strip plazas and malls.  This is not an everyday thing as frankly those two are a pain in the ass.  However if I am driving around with those bassets, and let’s say we need to make a stop at Banana Republic so I can get a special little shirt, I’m bringing the hounds with me instead of leaving them in a hot car.  Are the dogs “allowed” in the store?  Probably not as some sort of corporate attorney at headquarters has decided there is inherent risk in allowing anything to happen in that store besides selling overpriced merchandise.  This is really a key to my new found behavior.  I always assume I am not “allowed” to do anything, but I really don’t give a fuck.  I am moving ahead at my convenience.  Those dogs aren’t impeding fellow citizens purchases of $78 dress shirts.  Let ‘em sniff around while I shop I say!

In my experience, no one will say anything if you walk into clearly inappropriate places with two confident dogs.  This is due to the fact that most of the employees at your basic box store make about $11 a day, and the last thing they want is a hassle from some off-kilter unshaven man with two stinky hounds.  Would you?  Let’s say you are employee #32876 at Banana Republic and I come waltzing in there with ripped combat shorts, a Roky Erickson t-shirt, and two big short dogs.  Your options are to confront me and say I have to leave, or just ring up the shirt purchase I made and get me the hell out of there as quickly as possible.  I have done this a great number of times, and only once (in Dick’s Sporting Goods) did an employee suggest I couldn’t continue on my course of action.  Here’s a quick recap of that:

Employee:  “Um, I don’t think you are allowed to have them in here.”

Me:  “No, it’s OK.  I can.” (As I walked right by her like she didn’t exist.)

This strategy is very effective.  In general, most small time authority figures are unsure of their actual scope of power.  The key is to appear even more confident in your behavior than they are in their potential actions.  As you confidently go about your business, in the back of their minds will spring the thought, “It must be OK that this guy with the two stinky basset hounds is drinking a beer in here while buying those overpriced shorts.  He couldn’t possibly be doing it if he didn’t get permission from somebody!”.  That’s the key.  Always act as if you have implied permission from someone above them in the food chain.  Then even the act of questioning you will be nerve racking as they wonder, “Will I get in trouble for this if I give him a hard time?  Does he know someone at corporate?”.  I’m telling you, try it.   It really works.  Oh, and once again, I’m not trying to lead some sort of cultural revolution here, I’m just making “suggestions”.  

It’s a very confusing and transitional time for me.  On one hand I want to kill drivers that cut in line when lanes merge.  On the other hand, I have totally discarded most other traffic laws.  I steal from hotel mini bars like a kleptomaniac, but am outraged when other guests steal towels or robes.  I want my community aggressively policed for other people’s outrageous behavior, but I don’t want the cops to hassle me when I am shooting off fireworks while on a tequila binge.  Ultimately I may need to buy more land, or create some sort of "compound" where I can put foil up on the windows and spend some real time typing out my manifesto.  After I bang out a quick 500 pages I can show up outside of places like previous employers, police stations, political gatherings, ex-girlfriend's houses, and high school reunions to really get the word out with the book.  "Hey man, it's all in the book man.  Just read it and open your mind."  I'll probably have the flag shirt by then...     

None of it makes any sense, least of all to me.  At any one time I am contradicting my own shakily constructed codes of behavior three times over, but yet I am sure my actions are justified.  I just need a good label for my principles.  Something like “Libertarian Soft Anarchist”... Or maybe “New Democratic Individualistic Opportunist”…  If I can properly label these ideas as some sort of dogma, I can avoid having to logically explain why none of it adds up. “Sir, I did not ignore these posted signs as a criminal action.  I have done so as a practicing “Self Actualized Citizen of New Tomorrows”.  Now step away and be on your way Sir!”

You may think these are dangerous ideas.  Let me remind you of one thing.  These are dangerous times.


At August 20, 2013 at 6:53:00 PM EDT , Blogger vfh159 said...

Indeed they are.

At August 23, 2013 at 2:45:00 PM EDT , Blogger Walter Zoomie said...

It's called growing up, Greg.
It happens when you pay your own way through life.

Congrats. You are an adult.

Kinda liberating, ain't it?

At August 26, 2013 at 10:55:00 PM EDT , Blogger Greg Miller said...

Next thing you know I'll buy a buncha guns Zoomie!

At August 28, 2013 at 10:41:00 AM EDT , Blogger Walter Zoomie said...

That thought crossed my mind!

Baby steps, brother. Baby steps. :)


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