Nurse the Hate: Hate The Browns Again

January 18. 2014

Joe Banner
Cleveland Browns
76 Lou Groza Blvd.
Berea OH  44017


Dear Joe,

  One year ago I generously offered to assume the mantle of head coach for the Cleveland Browns.  It came as a great surprise to not even be offered an interview for this position.  I think we can all say, now that the dust has cleared, that this was a major mistake for the organization.  Some things were said in haste last year, as I mentioned I would entertain offers from the San Diego Chargers.  Let me assure you that I did not pursue that position with any real gusto.  While I would certainly enjoy the fruits of an NFL head coaching job, the move to San Diego would have been a hassle and the constant grind of being surrounded by the "brahs" of SoCal would have been taxing.  Do you have any idea how many guys there are in their late 50s wearing Vans and skateboard shorts?  I don't even like Operation Ivy or NOFX.  How am I going to fit in there?  I dig that "age appropriate" look that you and Mr. Haslem rock over in Berea.  I think you guys are more my speed, and I'm not just saying that to ingratiate myself.

  So let's get to brass tacks...  I have noticed that you fellas have been having a Dickens of a time finding a coach.  I don't know if you have put your finger on it yet, but The Culture of Failure that has been carefully cultivated over there certainly puts potential candidates off.  There is a belief that you just can't win in Cleveland.  Of course, that is because no one has ever actually won.  I've seen some grainy black and white film from the mid 1960s of the team winning, but I believe that is a myth like a unicorn, Bigfoot, or Utah.  So let's assume that you won't win.  Ever.  The good news is that these fools will keep coming to the stadium no matter what, so the key is to just keep the team interesting.  This is where I come in.

  No one in the national media will ever see this move coming.  "Browns Hire Some Guy As Head Coach"  Now, there's a headline.  The common man rises to take control of his hometown football team.  A man so off the radar that sports editors will be clamoring to find out more about me as I confidently guide the team to another 4-12 finish just like whoever else you are foolishly considering hiring.  I am a man that will stand at the podium and answer the tough questions.  "What happened with Davone Bess?"  We thought we could get him on the cheap because he was crazy, then it turned out he sucked AND was crazy, so we cut him loose.  "Why should the fans believe the team will be any better this year?"  They shouldn't!  We suck every year, and we are going to suck this year too.  Let's not worry about that, and go knock back some cold ones at the stadium.  It'll be a good time.  C'mon out!

  I would like to mention that I have been in the Playoffs 5 of the last 6 years in my fantasy league.  Let me allow you a second to soak that in.  5 of the last 6.  That is the kind of winning culture I will bring to the Browns.  While we carefully temper the public expectations with a losing team and drunken fun at First Energy Stadium (note how I seamlessly worked in the sponsor mention), I will work with you gents to see if we can maybe pull off 6 or 7 wins.  We go 8-8, they'll have parades for us.  We won't pay for a drink in this town.  Look, how tough can it be?  We draft that Johnny Football kid and let him run around, and see what happens.  It will be a helluva ride.

  I will call you on Monday to see when we can get together and hammer out the details.  Let's get together at that Alladin's off Bagley Rd.  I dig that V Nine soup and hummus falafel roll.  Til then...

  I remain,


  Greg Miller