Sunday, December 29, 2013

Nurse the Hate: Hate the NFL Week 17

On Sundays, whenever possible, I take my bassets for a long walk.  This serves the purpose of letting the dogs be dogs and getting them nice and relaxed for the rest of the day.  The other purpose is it is an excellent time for me to clear my head and think about the big issues in my world.  While I spent an embarrassing amount of time pondering the potential look and fit of some clothes from Banana Republic, I was also able by sheer force of will to consider today's NFL games.  I have heard of runner's high, which I had always assumed was some scam created by the running shoe marketing department at Nike.  I have never heard of dog walker's high though.  That is the only way to explain how I became so engrossed with thought about Banana Republic outfits and sorta crappy NFL games that I became utterly lost.  I don't know how far we walked, but we were gone for two hours and now my hip hurts.  The good news for you is that I have made some conclusions that I am ready to share.

Most of the NFL games today have little meaning.  The only way to bet on them is to know if one of the teams has totally given up, and only wants to get this thing over so they can be fellated by strange girls in the Bahamas by Monday afternoon.  Ideally that team would be playing a team that has something on the line.  That is what we have today I believe with the Browns going to Pittsburgh to play the Steelers.  Pittsburgh has a very thin chance at the Playoffs, which is amazing since they also appear to have very little talent.  As usual, they have played tough and found a way.  Hell, they broke the Bengals punter's jaw a couple weeks ago.  Even the Bengals must have been taken aback by that.  "Hey!  Why do you gotta do that to our punter, man?"  The Browns meanwhile appeared to have their spirits crushed after that New England game they inexplicably lost a couple weeks ago.  This has all the hallmarks of a Cleveland "phone it in" effort, especially after Pittsburgh manhandled the Browns a few weeks back in Cleveland.  These guys want to get out of town and forget about this disastrous season.  While I was lost in suburbia, I was trying to come up with an eloquent way to say "I think the Steelers are going to kick the fuck out of the Browns", but couldn't seem to find better language than that.  I love Pittsburgh today on the money line.

I feel compelled to bet on the two games that will directly decide Playoff participation.  The Bears v Packers game will decide the NFC North and also who will get to lose in the first round next weekend. These teams are both sorta awful, and will get destroyed by whoever they play next.  Neither one of them has any defense whatsoever, so this should be a game decided by quarterbacks.  If I have to choose between Jay Cutler and Aaron Rodgers, even with a broken collarbone, I'm taking Rodgers every time.  You just know Cutler will look awesome for three quarters and then throw a backbreaking interception late that will be discussed for the next eight months by buffoons on Chicago Sports Talk Radio.  It's like it already happened.  "Uh, hi Jerry... Love the show.  First time caller, long time listener.  I think the Bears should just cut Jay Cutler and see if Jim McMahon can come back.  That pick he threw at the end of the Packers game killed us.  He sucks.  I'll hang up and listen."

It's so easy to hate Cutler, mostly because of his facial expressions.  He's probably an awesome guy, just with a fucked up set of expressions.  Who knows?  That's all people will remember though.  Not that the Bears will lose 38-34, and the reason they lost was the defense gave up 38 points to the Packers, not Cutlers INT.  Who cares anyway... They both suck.  Pick: Packers.

The Cowboys are so bad defensively, it is beyond human comprehension.  They have a guy in the secondary that is a rookie from William and Mary.  Last year he was in college covering a guy that is in an entry level insurance sales job somewhere.  Now he has to cover DeSean Jackson.  Their middle linebacker is an undrafted rookie from Oklahoma State.  Now he has to tackle LeSean McCoy.  I think it is safe to say that the Eagles are going to score what analysts have predicted as "a shit ton" of points.  Now all the Cowboys will need is to have Kyle Orton seamlessly replace Tony Romo, who somehow won a game last week with a bulging disc in his back so bad that he needed an epidural afterwards.  Ouch.  Pick: Eagles.

It's the NFL, so please be advised anything can go wrong with this plan, but I am moving ahead strong on all three picks.  I really need something to watch today.  I am going moneyline, parlay, and three team tease.  Let's flame out on this 2013 disastrous season in true grace!  Bring it on!    



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