Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Nurse the Hate: Hate Robert Deniro

Do you remember when Robert Deniro was a big time actor and movie star?  I could swear that guy was awesome in "The Godfather II", "Goodfellas" and "Raging Bull".  That couldn't be the same guy that I saw in "Grudge Match", what might be one of the worst movies I have ever seen advertised.  Have you seen one of these awful trailers yet?  The premise is that Deniro and Stallone are going to settle an old score by boxing each other as senior citizens.  This sets off a bunch of stale jokes about age and Rocky references.  The film has yet to be released, but I think any sane person can look at that and conclude "Wow!  Is that a piece of shit!".

So why does Robert Deniro, one of the round table of most respected actors on the planet, take a piece of shit movie like this?  Is he having some sort of financial trouble?  Perhaps Robert Deniro lost his fortune gambling on jai alai in some seedy Miami facility.  Maybe Deniro was heavily invested in Blackberry or My Space.  (insert Deniro voice)  "What? What? I tell ya this Blackberry thing is coming back!  Forgetaboutit!  Hey, are you on My Space?"

Deniro must have made a staggering amount of money doing films, much less those American Express ads he knocked out on the side.  There must be some reason why this guy keeps doing these horrible films, like needing the money to feed a spiraling heroin addiction.  Yet, even if that were the case he couldn't even shoot all that money into his arm.  Maybe he is building one of those James Bond villain complexes where a hundred guys in matching jumpsuits drive around in monorails in secret cave complexes where they are building spaceships to launch a nuclear shot to blow the moon up.  That is the only possible reason for him to do a movie like "Grudge Match".

I can totally understand Stallone doing this movie.  Stallone has never had good taste.  He has had popular taste with Rocky and Rambo, and as evidenced by squeezing every last drop out of those franchises, he is not above doing anything for a buck.  I am of the understanding that there is a "Rambo 9" in development where he drives a rascal around Pakistan shooting up dudes in turbans.  The scene where he is tortured by having his hair plugs ripped out is supposed to be epic.  I don't want to ruin it for you, but the morale of the story is that you don't fuck with old guys on steroids that have access to lots of guns. It's box office gold.

Deniro has always been held to a higher standard.  However, at this point, is that really a valid argument?  "Last Vegas"... "The Family"... "Little Fockers"... "Machete"... This guy hasn't made a good movie since the late 90s.  Plus, every time he is in a movie he is essentially playing Robert Deniro pretending to be a gangster.  Robert Deniro in "Goodfellas" is Robert Deniro in "Analyze This" is Robert Deniro in "Meet The Parents" is Robert Deniro in "The Family".  What the fuck, Elvis played "Elvis" in all his movies and everybody gave him shit.  How is that different?  I'd rather see Elvis and Stallone do this movie.  Well, the exhumed corpse of Elvis and Stallone.  That I'm watching!

The exciting idea that just came to me is Robert Deniro pretending to be Robert Deniro and re-making all those Elvis movies.  The Elvis movies were all a formula just like the Deniro films are now.  Elvis meets girl.  Girl is with other guy, disses Elvis.  Elvis does something cool, wins girl.  I would much rather see Robert Deniro in "Roustabout" talking like he did in "Casino" and then working at a Carnival trying to win a girl.  Deniro playing the "Goodfellas" role in "Girls! Girls! Girls!" would be great.  At least that would be slightly different than the current bullshit he is doing, and has to be a better idea than putting 70 year old men in boxing trunks in some flimsy fight film.  Is Deniro suffering form Alzeimer's?  I can't get my arms around these movies...

I also cannot imagine who will possibly drop their money down to see this in the theater.  Yes, I have walked around a Cracker Barrel Gift Shop and I am aware of what most Americans are actually all about.  Maybe I am just naive to think even people that buy singing fish models will think "that movie is too fucking stupid" to go see it.  This is probably an error on my part, and even now that moronically constructed ad where some second tier black comedian says "What was Jesus like?" to Alan Arkin is motivating someone.  When that is the best laugh of the movie, shiver me timbers. However, I'm sure there is someone watching "The Voice" or "WWE" that is thinking "man, I gotta go see that!".  I don't know why I let it get to me.

As we watch the flaming wreckage that is the legacy of Robert Deniro, it's becoming hard to remember he was once actually considered an artist.  Where he was the film version of Bob Dylan, he is now the film version of Damn Yankees.  That guy was the New York Yankees, and it turns out he's the San Diego Padres.  The good thing is that he has another new film on the horizon.  It's called "The Intern" where he plays an elderly intern that befriends the owner of a successful online fashion company (Reese Witherspoon).  I shit you not.  



At December 18, 2013 at 12:04:00 AM EST , Blogger j said...

everytime i see an ad for a dumbass movie and think jesus what a turd it becomes a block buster selling 40 billion tickets or whatever it's deeply confusing well not really i guess people are stupid and have shitty tastes in movies.

At December 18, 2013 at 12:33:00 AM EST , Blogger Walter Zoomie said...

I dare you to try to sit through "Freelancers," a truly horrific recent Deniro flick.

He mails it it big time...


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